My son’s first mom cut off all contact with us about 1 year ago. He is now 6.5 and starting to ask more questions about his adoption and processing his grief. What is the best way to try and re-establish contact without hurting her more?
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Did she announce that she was ceasing contact or notify you in some way, or simply “disappear”?
If it’s a matter of finding her, I have many ideas, if it’s a matter of what things you can say that might change her mind, I got nothin’.
I wish we could edit comments.
Also, if she notified you, what reasons did she give?
MamaB2C, I think you can edit your own. Go into the dashboard (http://www.openadoptionsupport.com/wp-admin) and see if you can.
Hi,
No notification… she blocked us out of her “friends” on Facebook and Instant messanger and we just simply haven’t heard from her. We know where she is and have an address for her. We’ve sent updates and pictures, but we just don’t hear back.
While the adoption is “open” (everyone knows who each other is and how to contact them) she never saw the baby when he was born, and we have not seen her since then either. We established contact via email/letters and instant messaging when he was 3ish and that went along well until this past year.
Also useful info would be that she has since had another baby that she is parenting (she also is parenting her first child). The new baby is almost 2 now. I wonder how much post-partum emotions played into things… dragging up all the memories of having and then placing Liam.
Oh man, that sucks.
I’m sorry. I don’t know if there’s anything you *can* do other than what you’re doing — doing your part and hoping for the best. I am hoping that other adoptive moms who have theoretically open adoptions will chime in with how they’ve handled discussing this with their kids.
Echaos–
Have you tried telling her what you said here? Simply–that Liam is beginning to have questions, and you’re hoping she could answer a few?
was it her choice not to see her son on the day he was born.
As a first mom I can’t imagine not having that day when the baby was just all mine, its something that really comforts me.
I think the grief would just be overwhelming to me as a first mom if I didn’t have that time to really realize that my son was really a part of me.
Having a child is a very surreal experience, all the more for a women who decides to place that child. She might not have given herself the chance to really realize that this child really is a part of her and the other way around too.
Was the choice to place him with you made just by her or were there other family/friends that helped her make this decision almost 7 years ago?
I think that their may be others who are affecting her decision to not be in contact with you. Maybe there’s a boyfriend, if she thinks that the relationship is more important than her son, especially if she is quite young, that could be why.
Anyways, keep trying, sooner or later she will pop-up on the radar somewhere. I just know in my heart that she wants to know your son just as much as you want her too, at least I want to believe that.
I have visited with women in the hospital who place and don’t want to see the baby. These women seem to be in a bit of denial. Somehow, they got the idea that not seeing the baby would keep them from hurting and they would be able to just “move on”. This is not an idea that pops into women’s heads randomly, it is what is told to us. By our mothers, grand mothers, and culture. (“Juno”) is a great example. If she has never had a visit post placement it is likely that she has never really gotten any closure. (For a lot of women, seeing their child with the family they chose for them is a really healing experience.)
Is there a contact you have that might be able to reach out to her? A social worker who worked with her during her pregnancy or post placement?
I once met a girl in the hospital who had decided, upon delivery to make an adoption plan. She had kept her pregnancy a complete secret from everyone. At first she did not want to see the baby. She did not cry. She signed all her papers, and left. About six months later she had dropped out of school, and came to live with me. (After meeting her, I would see her around school a lot, but we never talked about how I “really” knew her in front of any of our friends.) It was obvious that she was not processing things well, but she never wanted to talk about it. She didn’t respond to her birth son’s family e-mails, and she didn’t return their calls. I can tell you from living with her though, that even though she didn’t respond… those emails and pictures were very, very dear to her. Eventually, she started to be able to e-mail back, and now they have visits. So please don’t stop trying!!
MamaB2C, I hope this is working! I added a reply plugin, created threaded comments and also an ajax editing tool. I’m replying to you to test all three!!