My husband and I recently separated and are headed to divorce. My marriage is over and I will be a single mom to our son who is adopted. His birth parents placed him with us because they were not ready to get married and they wanted him to be raised by two parents. I am devestated and I don’t know how to tell them. We have visits with his birth mom but haven’t seen his birth dad in two years. My son is five. But we will need to tell him too and I don’t know how. I feel so guilty and I feel like I can’t face her. Please help me figure out how to tell her.
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Are you absolutely positive there is no saving your marriage? I have known many on the brink of the divorce that managed to come out stronger, including us. Certain things may be unforgivable to you or non-negotiable, and only you can answer the question, I just wanted to put that out there.
As for telling the first parents, I guess just as honestly as you can. You are human and these things happen to good people. Tell her you are ashamed, that you never imagined this would happen, give enough details to give her an idea of what went wrong etc.
Best wishes and many hugs
I agree with MamaB2C.
You have to be honest with her. If you shy away from her(first mom) now she will think that she did something to offend you.
Do your best to make the last effort for your marriage if, and only if the reasons for separating were about personal disagreements and not physical harm to you or your son.
Treat the first mom of your child just as you would yourself.
Put yourself in her place, you would want to know why if you were her.
I really hope that your marriage can be saved.
My heart really goes out to you.
I am so sorry I used the word “ashamed”, that was the wrong word choice. You said you felt “guilty” and so should tell her how you feel.
I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of or guilty about, and my phrasing sounded judgmental and that was not what I meant!
As the child of divorced parents…my life was easier after the divorce. I wasn’t happy right at first but I realized pretty quickly that things were much better. I think staying together and being tense and stressed (which kids notice, no matter how you try to hide it) is worse than getting the divorce or trying a trial separation.
I think you should just tell her like anyone else. As a first mom, I’d much rather be kept in the loop than left to wonder or the last to know.
I’m so sorry to hear about your separation. What a difficult thing to be going through.
I think hard information like this is usually best shared simply and plainly, without a lot of detail. And then give her the space to process the news however she needs to, answering questions if/when they come up.
Try to hold on to the long view, if you can. Even if your relationship with her suffers in the short-term, there is a lot of future left together as your son grows. This difficult season will pass.
Best wishes to all of you.
Don’t do it in an email. While D didn’t tell me about the divorce in an email she did initially tell me about the separation in an email … and it’s just a bit harder to digest. I still responded properly but it was just a harder pill to swallow without the ability to ask questions immediately (as in an IM or phone conversation).
I’m sure you are full of feelings regarding the end of your marriage, but try to cut yourself some slack in the guilt department. I know my husband and I never said our marriage would last to the end of time (in our adoption paperwork). What we did say was that this child is now and forever ours. I suggest you explain what you can- and throw in that you will both still be parenting your son as you promised. I think people are very forgiving as a rule and they should understand. Especially if you are treating your son with the love and respect he deserves.
Best of luck to you.