My sons first mom called me today and the question she asked of me threw me for a loop.
Tomorrow is her bday and i planned on taking her out for lunch with my son. She then asked me if i could maybe
come over to her apt for a bit after. The problem is she is STILL involved with the same ring of “friends” that
she had before he was removed by cps. So i basically let her know lunch would have to be it because we are going later about 330pm and I need to be home to get his sisters off the bus. Soooo here it comes… “well, can you drop him off at my moms before work and I can spend the day babysitting him??!!! Ohhhh boy! I was left speechless. I mean , shes still with the same friends, just quit her job yet AGAIN,and even during our time with CPW she was NEVER allowed unsupervised visits. I was caught soo offguard, i mean just for safety issues the answer is no, but im trying to find a good way to do this. Im trying to give her more than the court issued 3xs a year, but i cant in ANY way allow that,,and to be honest,,i think she could run. it was a longg 2 years with cps and her signing her rights away was not her choice . PLEASE give me some advise,,,im lost!
Related posts:
You should explain to her
You should explain to her what your safety concerns are. Is this first mom really young? She sounds really young. Sometimes younger women have a hard time realizing that not everything is going to happen the way they want it to. You say it was not her choice to sign her rights away? She is probably struggling with the fact that she does not have a say about how she visits with her birthson. I think she needs a dose of reality. Be honest, tell her exactly why she can not tell you what to do!!
to repeat what others have said – you first priority is obviously to protect yr child. Maybe you can suggest that birthmom can do some other favorite thing with yr son? I have had some similar experiences – my daughter’s birthmom was accidentally left alone with her just for about 5 minutes at a family gathering when she was 2 and she had a half a cigarette in her hand when we returned. It was a reminder that we can’t leave our daughter alone with birthmom for even a minute.
How should you handle
How should you handle telling her “no”? Well, I’m not sure. But a no sounds definitely in order, especially since she in still in the same boat as three years ago with CPS allowing no visits. Surely she may be a little hurt, but hopefully she will understand. Like you said, its not like she has a job, is in school and signing away her rights was of her doing. Stick to what you know is right. Keep some good boundaries. Lunch sounds like a good plan.
I too have an adoptive son
I too have an adoptive son who was taken from his b-mom against her will. And I also am maintaining a relationship with her and we see her once a month.
My suggestion is that you are up front and honest with her now, so there will not be confusion later on. I would say that there will not be any unsupervisied visits. I would not even go into the reasons, as she would surely take offense to whatever reason you give (tho I think it sounds eminently reasonable). I would just say you don’t feel comfortable with that.
For the future, you might want to have planned visits. For example, we have one visit per month, and it is always on a Saturday from 10-2 and it is always out in the community, not in either of our homes. Also, neither of us brings any friends along. It is me, her and the child.
For me this has worked well because we both know what to expect, we both can plan our schedules, etc. You should think about the type of schedule that works for you. Then tell her how the visits will be. If she is angry, just be brave and say, “I know this is an adjustment for you, and I know it is hard.” I have found that when my b-mom is mad, a little empathy about her feelings of loss go a long way. She also hangs out with shady characters and I don’t think those characters give much empathy. So they are usually happy for someone to be sympathetic.
I don’t know exactly what will work for you but I know it has been a constant struggle for me to forge a relationship with my son’s b-mom. It is so different when their rights were terminated involuntarily. But I am proud of us for the relationship we HAVE forged, despite everyone’s predictions.
Good luck, and so glad to see another foster/adoptive mom trying to maintain the child’s relationship with the b-mom.
I just wanted to say that
I just wanted to say that I’m so grateful for those of you in more challenging open adoption relationships (like these) who are willing to share your wisdom with other families who are struggling. I think it’s hard to find information that is pro-openness but realistic about necessary limits and I know there’s tremendous need for it. So — thanks!
Dawn
(site owner)
thank you for all your
thank you for all your wisdom. yes she is young, 20. We have scheduled visits by the court in the months of oct, feb,may,..but again, i see her more often because i know deep down she has soooo much potential and i really want to help her find that. she doesnt seem to realize shes not able to care for him even to babysit. i just dont want to stifle any progress she IS making by hurting or offending her. Thank you all again, im very glad i found this site!
Personally, I’d simply say,
Personally, I’d simply say, “I’m not comfortable with unsupervised visits”. If she asks why – and she really shouldn’t, because it should be evident – then you note that your child is yours, and you decide what’s in his best interest. I don’t know if it will hurt her progress, but frankly, I agree with the first comment. She needs a dose of reality.
its a hard thing to say but
its a hard thing to say but your right it needs to be said! In all this I have to keep him safe and happy I DONT need to keep HER happy. I wish I could. I wouldnt let her babysit any of my other children and he is NO different. I just want my son to know that we have made every effort to keep the openess, but if she continues on the same path, I made need to change the terms ie..lessen the visits or keep it to pics and letters.
I’m in the same boat. My
I’m in the same boat. My younger son’s (age 2) b-mom wants him to spend the night with her for her birthday in Feb. She is younger than your son’s first mom, and HER mom would be there with her, but my husband and I will not do that. I wonder how many times she will ask, we’ve put her off so far with normal excuses (he only sleeps good in his own bed; doesn’t go to sleep well with us in hotel rooms, etc.). We did let them have unsupervised visits at our house when he was younger, but we have gravitated away from that, even with repeated offers from them to babysit while we go shopping or on a date.
@,
SHE has potential? She needs? She?
I thought you adopted a child in order to put HIS needs first?
My gosh….open or not, you should focus on your CHILD!