Would you (adoptive parents) want the first/birth mom of the child you adopted to tell her friends about the experience? I am really curious how adoptive parents might react to the knowledge that others they have not met know about them. I don’t tell hardly anyone(in person) about my experience in becoming a birthmom. I sort of feel like it would be like gossiping, but I talk about my family to people I know a lot. I know it should probably be the same with my birthchild. I heistate because I know that the adoptive parents of my birthchild do not tell everyone they know that they adopted. I think that probably is why I heistate.
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Yes, because:
She has a
Yes, because:
I would have no problem with our birthparents talking about us at all. It’s not like it’s a dirty liitle secret .. it’s a part of their lives! I would hope that they wouldn’t share our identifying information, and also hope that we have a good enough relationship that they would have positive things to say. But as long as they were honest about their experience & feelings, I don’t see why they shouldn’t talk about it if they were comfortable enough doing so.
As an adoptive mom who loves
As an adoptive mom who loves to share about adoption and our experience to people who ask I would not have a problem at all if our daughters first mom shared her experience with people. As the person above stated, it is her story to share and she has the right to share whatever she wants to whomever she wants.
I too am an adoptive mom and
I too am an adoptive mom and have an open adoption with my first mom/birth mom. I have absolutely no problem with her telling whomever she wants about her/our story. She is my hero! She provided me with the greatest gift anyone could ever have given me, parenthood to this beautiful boy. It is the most self-less act a women can perform and quite frankly if our roles had been reversed, I don’t know if I would have been able to do what she did.
I too am an adoptive mom and
I too am an adoptive mom and have an open adoption with my first mom/birth mom. I have absolutely no problem with her telling whomever she wants about her/our story. She is my hero! She provided me with the greatest gift anyone could ever have given me, parenthood to this beautiful boy. It is the most self-less act a women can perform and quite frankly if our roles had been reversed, I don’t know if I would have been able to do what she did.
Not all adoptive mothers are
Not all adoptive mothers are as nice. The adoptive mother of my firstborn went so far as trying to get a lawyer to keep me from telling my adoption story. She stalked me online, called me names, lied to people about me, among other things. Then attempted to silence me because she was afraid her family and friends would find out since they had met me before it happened. The adoption happened in 2000. She lost it and lashed out this year, 2008.
I’m so sorry, Shannon, that
I’m so sorry, Shannon, that sounds absolutely harrowing.
My thoughts are with you.
I am so sorry that happened.
I am so sorry that happened. How horrible!
Gee, I am so sorry to hear
Gee, I am so sorry to hear about your experience. I have not come across that one before and I thought I had seen/heard everything! LOL Just goes to show ya!
MC, I think you have it
MC, I think you have it wrong — a first mom responded that she was being harassed by her child’s adoptive mother.
oh geez, I am sorry. I was
oh geez, I am sorry. I was confused.
I am sorry if I confused
I am sorry if I confused anyone. My question is kind of silly. I have no idea if my birthchild adoptive parents even care what I say about them or my status as a birthmom. I just don’t have the courage to ask such a silly question directly to my birthchilds parents. Partly because I want to respect them and most of all I want to respect my birthchild. What I am really wondering is would adoptive parents encourage the birthparents of their child to share with people they may never met about the facts and feelings? Oh my, I think I am still sounding confusing. Just to be clear. I am the birthmom asking. I am scared of sharing my experience. Do adoptive parents care about what I say to people?
Again, as an adoptive parent
Again, as an adoptive parent I would WANT my birth mom to talk about the entire experience as much as she wanted and needed to, to whomever she felt she trusted with that information. So to be blunt, no I would not care what you said to people about the situation. I know I would not want you to be scared of sharing your experience. Especially because I know how much talking about things can help bring clarity to a situation once you’ve actually said the words outloud (communication is a very powerful tool).
CindyI think I know what
Cindy
I think I know what you’re getting at, and as an adoptive mom, I have sensed the same “hesitation” or “uneasiness” with my daughters birthmother.
I think, honestly, for me when I visited her and saw pictures up everywhere it drove home the connection that she has to our daughter.
I have met most of H’s closest friends,a nd they know the situation. Some people thinks its weird, OH WELL.
However, we recently talked about things like Facebook, and now that my daughter is 5, she does show some of her own personality , and the need for some “discretion.” I know she loves her birth mom, and looks forward to her time with her, but I can sense that she is picking up that our family situation is a little different..that most people don’t have a birth mother seperate from their parenting mom. So, I think H. shares the information to people who are going to be an ongoing part of her life, not just every coworker, and acquaintance. I think this is wise in the sense that people can say some hurtful things, and needing to be protective of that part of her story is important.
H. has a boyfriend now, and I think its important that she told him the “story” upfront. Early on, even though we didn’t have much professional counseling, we talked with H. about remaining a consistent presence in her life..that she may marry and have more children and we will have to address those things as they come up.
Its tough, because on a form, I am sure she gets asked “Do you have any kids”…and from a tax form standpoint, she does not.
Similarly, it broke my heart when I would read my medical reports from myhospitalization and birth of 2nd child (who I gave birth to) being my only child (only BIO child)
I do think you should talk to your childs adoptive parents, because if anything, they will appreciate that you were considerate of their feelings..though whether you are “asking permission” is another issue..dependent on the dynamic of your relationship.
Cindy, I’ve really been
Cindy, I’ve really been thinking about this especially after reading your blog about it. Are your child’s parents pretty open people? Are they approachable? Would it be easier to write or email?
i’ve been watching this
i’ve been watching this thread for a handful of days now, and just had to add my two cents…
as a birth/first mom, my story/challenges/hopes/fears/musings are just that…mine. in the almost eleven years that i’ve been involved in Open Adoption, i don’t think we (my son’s parents & i) have really talked about adoption at all, much less how i feel about it, even less whom i tell & how i heal. everyone in my everyday life knows – it’s an important part of who i am. and it is my prerogative to tell whomever, whatever. for instance, passing high school friends on facebook don’t know — it’s none of their business. but a good friend from school that i reconnnect with over time probably does know.
of course, when discussing it with random acquaintances, identifying information is not shared. i consider that simply good manners.
your experience is yours. talking to people as you see fit can be very healing. this life experience we share is not gossip.
Barb, I’m glad you commented
Barb, I’m glad you commented here. Thanks!
We all talk about it openly
We all talk about it openly to whomever we feel needs to know or whom we want to know. When we visited DS’s first families in October we were introduced to coworkers, friends, etc. and they all knew who we were and were excited to meet us. I am pretty sure all of his family members carry pictures of him in their wallets, and his grandparents display pictures of all three of us in their home.
We also have pictures of all of them in our home, and on our website. When they visit us they meet neighbors and friends and everyone knows who they are as well.
His first mom is getting married in June, and we will be at her wedding and DS will be in her wedding in some capacity. She told her fiances family about the adoption immediately as well, just so there wouldn’t be any shock or secrets…apparently they are excited to meet us.
At one point DS’s first mom and I each had pictures of ourselves with our son as our profile pics on Facebook, but she decided she didn’t want to answer questions in passing from old friends, so changed it. She doesn’t mind discussing it, just didn’t want the adoption being the first topic of conversation with people she might not have seen in years.
I can’t imagine not discussing such an important part of all of our lives.
Cindy, you deserve respect too. You have every right to discuss your child, his family, and your feelings about your own experiences regarding it all. If you do so in a respectful manner, you are showing respect.
I am an adoptive parent and
I am an adoptive parent and we openly discuss adoption with people we feel we can trust. We do not share identifying information with most people, however, our family knows this type of information.
We have a fairly open adoption except where it comes to our last name and address etc… our birthmother and her family do not know any of this information.
We visit every two months with visits to the extended birth family about three to four times a year.
I would not be comfortable with our birthmother sharing our photos with her friends simply because there are some protection issues and it may endanger our children if someone she is close to recognized us and told her our identifying information. However, the experience of adoption, giving up her child etc is her own and she has every right to share that part with whomever she decides to share it with.