My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.
We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter’s birth family. What do we do?
– November 26, 2008Posted in: Community Wisdom
I can appreciate your
I can appreciate your feelings of betrayal but remember that openness in adoption isn’t a reward for good behavior — it’s something that research tells us is best for our kids. Now having said that, clearly you need to take into account your own feelings and comfort level and it sounds like you’re really feeling pushed here by unexpected visits and requests.
NOPE!
The thing is, we have adopted 11 children. Each situation is different. If bio-parent thought they could successfully raise the child, then why relinquish rights? Bio-parent has decided that another family could better raise the child. Now there are second thoughts?
It is NOT ok for the child to be caught in the middle of this. It IS ok for adoptive family to set limits, make decisions and not be put into a defensive position if their decisions do not meet everyone else’s expectations.
We have several open adoptions, and several closed. The children do benefit from having all parents and adults in their lives ONLY if those adults are responsible, respectful, and supportive.
If there is not harmony among the adults, it is better to set back and set limits. Keep your agreement, do not let others push you into a place that is not comfortable. YOU are the parent now. It is perfectly Ok to act like one and separate you and your child from the problems.
You do not need anyone else to tell you what you already know is right.
This may sound really harsh, but I have a feeling the birth mum will be feel really scared and resentful of you if you drop the contact back to barely anything.
Her not telling you about the father probably has very little to do with you, and more to do with her own situation. Perhaps her parents didn’t know they were dating and she was scared her parents would stop her from seeing him if they knew he was the father. If she loves him she will try to protect their contact.
I’m not entirely sure why you were not interested in getting a DNA test done (i don’t know what the laws are in regards to adoption where you are), I think it would be beneficial for both parties to know. What if their are medical complications and you cannot gain any insight into things due to lack of genetic history?
Try to have a talk to Nancy’s first mum, establish some boundaries. I do agree that it was inappropriate for her to not forewarn you and bring everyone with her, but maybe it was an act of desperation? I understand you want to protect your little girl.
Best of luck
I was kind of taken aback by the “she lied to me” etc. That young woman Nancy picked you to be the parents of her child! I don’t know the adoption laws in your state, but if you are certain that it is solid, I would at least consider the DNA test. I understand your fear, I really do. When it comes to all this stuff it is important to make decisions that are not based on fear. Unless there is reason to believe that your child would be subject to abuse or kidnapping, I would welcome the contact. If it means a little at a time, then do it a little at a time until you can build up trust. I do agree with “Adoptive Mom” when she said “Don’t let others push you into a place that is uncomfortable”. I believe no openess is possible if you are uncomfortable. I would just advise you to strive to become comfortable. When a friend of mine was pregnant she wanted to have natural childbirth-better for mom, better for baby. She was also given some very good advice about giving birth with pain medication or c-section. She was told “If having ‘natural’ childbirth means horrible anguish and trauma, then perhaps an epidural would be better. Afterall, if the labor winds up being 12 hours of hell, that might not be too good for mother baby bonding. And if a c-section is necessary then don’t feel like a failure or feel guilty. That kind of guilt can affect your confidence in parenting” I guess what I am trying to say is: forgive her, try to open it up, but if you can’t you can’t.
Every adoption situation is different and unique. Everyone has a right to their opinions and feelings. However, in my meagre opinion, the child above ALL else is the priority, above everyone else involved. Everyone else involved has made the decision that the adoptive parents are best capable of making decisions for the child. I would suggest the adoptive parents focus on the child, what they honestly believe about adoption and openess, and make their decision from there. Perhaps go for a few sessions with a counsellor who specializes in adoption?
We also can never foreget that time changes things and that includes relationships. Decisions made today may be different than from how you’ll feel some time from now. Your child will grow and the more you get to know them, the more you’ll be able to take your ques from them, from what they need. Taking a step back now doesn’t mean that you won’t have opportunities later.
That’s how I feel, anyway .. I’m sure many will disagree …
It does sound like you need help negotiating boundaries. And that’s okay. Open adoption is not always an wasy relationship – and we don’t have many role models to help us figure this out (though we do have each other).
Is a mediator an option in your area? Or a counselor with experience in adoption? It sounds like having a meeting (or a few) with a neutral third party might help you negotiate a relationship with your child’s first family that will be comfortable for everyone.
Good luck.
I am thinking maybe birthmom cheated or something, I do not think you should be mad at her for ‘lying’ I mean maybe she honestly did not know who the father was at the time of placement? If she is asking for a DNA test then obviously they are not sure that Will is the birthdad. I do not think it has anything to do with you & that she told you information as best she could. Just be happy that now you can know your kids medical history from both parents now. That is atleast how I see it.
Being ignored is very
Being ignored is very hurtful. As a birthmom I can tell you. Why didn’t you just do the DNA thing when they asked about it? They probably wouldn’t have so suddenly dropped in on you if you had done that sooner. Maybe you have been ignoring requests to talk about your daughters biological relatives all along and so this birthmom and all the people with felt they had no choice but to invade you space. You really should address your daughters bio-logical orgins now so that in the future you can tell her everything truthfully. This girl your raising is the most important issue here. Its in her best interest now to aways know about her biological family. I am sure that her birthmom feels very strongly about her birthdaughters rights in knowing her genetic hertiage. Honestly my whole take on the ‘lying’ thing is probably that she wasn’t sure at first and when as she saw pictures of her birthdaughter she saw something that made her sure. Also she may be afraid to tell you some things, or ashamed. Anyways, what is her love life to you? Other than the fact that she decided to surrender her child to you. Anyways, my point is you never should ignore things. They will come back to do a number on you. Now if you want to deny a request thats a different story. Think of the golden rule. Would you want to be ignored, especially if you were trying to do something you thought was the most important thing in your life?
I don’t usually do this,
I don’t usually do this, but: What Dawn said.
I’m adoptee, so I just want
I’m adoptee, so I just want to give you a glimpse of what your daughter might think/feel in the future. If I were to find out that my parents had had contact with my birth mother and had then cut that off when I was young, I would be pissed off! Who are they to decide to bar me from an important part of my life? (I’m obviously not talking about situations where there may be physical risks at having contact, but even then, there are safe ways to work that out.) What is wrong with having more people who love me and want to be part of my life? What if she goes on to have more children, you child’s siblings? Waiting till they are all grown up to get to know each other is hard! sometimes even impossible. But growing up knowing about each other, meeting and having a relationship is wonderful! It becomes the “normal” for everyone, and not some big THING called REUNION later on.
However, every relationship, regardless if it’s family, friends, extended family via adoption, needs to have boundaries. Some folks have very open door “drop in whenever you want” lifestyles with everyone. Some people don’t. If you don’t have that lifestyle, then let them know, the same that you would if it was you sister inlaw, or your friend.
I agree that the lying may not be out and out “let’s tell these people the wrong thing just to make their lives difficult”. She may honestly have not known who the father was, or she may have been protecting herself by trying to believe that it was the other guy. Knowing who the birth father is DOES have juge medical reasons behind it, so if they are willing to do a DNA test to confirm, then you should go for it. Your daughter will thank you later.
Good luck! and please remember that this is about your daughter and her best interests, no matter how hard it might be for everyone else.
I agree with much of what
I agree with much of what Dawn said regarding the DNA. But if your concern is legal find out what his rights would be in your state. If there is no concern of him fighting for custody then I see it as a blessing for your daughter to know.
I’m just going to share our relationship with our daughter’s first family.
We met our daughter’s first mom she was alone with no family at all. She was adopted when she was younger. The next day her birth father contacted her for the first time in 10 years. Four days later when we took custody of our daughter her birth father was there with her. Since then she has moved to be with her birth father and our daughter now knows her biological grandfather and great grandparents as well as many more family members. While she doesn’t understand the importance of these people now (she’s 7 months) we do and we are thrilled to have that connection. First mom just recently told us that she has been in contact with her own first mom. It was an emotional reuinion. And we look forward to her meeting our daughter when they’re ready.
Has it been easy for us? No! But I pray our daughter will appreciate our efforts in developing this relationship with her first family.
We had a relationship plan set up with the help of our agency. We all like advance notice and perfer e-mail. Talk with Nancy about how you feel about suddenly having all this family show up. Perhaps you can agree to start slower. Just visits with Nancy and then slowly bring more family into it. From our experience they are all just so thrilled to be a part of the child’s life. And at least from our experience they don’t want to offend you as the parents at all.
Good luck!