I’m in the information gathering stage of the domestic adoption process, and I have a kind of strange question: /p>
I have a nearly 3 year old biological daughter that is still (on rare occasions) nursing – we are as a family believers in child-led weaning, and I have had a very very fulfilling nursing relationship with her. I would love to build up a milk supply sufficient for a newborn and nurse our adopted baby when we eventually get there. Is this something that I should put in my “profile”? How do the firstmoms here feel about that idea?
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I think you should be
I think you should be honest. If you feel something is really important and that is going to be a part of your life that greatly affects a child that is placed with you. I know that most women are not a big fan of this child-led weaning, including a women who is deciding to place her child with you. Although personally I kinda like the idea, I know for sure that most expectant mothers deciding to place and firstmoms would be against you nursing the child placed with you for adoption. I know because I once read a forum on the exact topic(its for birthmoms only, sorry) and about 200+ replies were strongly apposed to the idea. I think its something good. I wish I could have pumped and fedex-ed breast milk for my birthchild but noone else thought it was a good idea so it didn’t happen. I hope that you are still honest about your convictions, even though they are not popular.
I know this is an old post
I know this is an old post but wanted to add this link about a family who were chosen by the first parents to adopt their baby BECAUSE the mother was planning to induce lactation.
http://lakeconews.com/content/view/6844/772/
In case the link gets lost in the internet ether, I’m pulling a quote from it (it speaks to the value of disclosing this important decision as part of the match-making process):
Our daughter, too young to parent her child, picked this couple for several key reasons: they had no other children, the mother would be staying home with the baby, the baby would be breastfed (yes it is possible for any woman to lactate even one who has never been pregnant), and he would be uncircumcised and unvaccinated.
Additionally, Todd and Betsy match our family values, politics, spirituality, interests and personality types almost to a T. We have all grown to love each other so much the connection seems almost magical.
At the hospital, Dr. Jesse and the amazing staff of caring and professional nurses such as Suzin, Diana, Lorena, Denise and others, made the whole process unforgettable. The staff was supportive of Seth’s adoptive breastfeeding, and gently and lovingly assisted in making sure Betsy was given the earliest opportunity to breastfeed her newborn son.
I’m a birthmom who is pumping for my son. I would definitely have not expected to see the aparents’ plans for feeding in the profile, but it was something I asked about. I would have been thrilled if that had been their decision, but I don’t think I would have been comfortable with AMom breastfeeding in the hospital (in some states, it’s illegal, too) or feeding him her expressed milk (just too emotionally complicated!)… I would, however, have discussed how to handle feeding in the hospital in a way that would help them with their endeavor to nurse him! Even if she’s not comfortable nursing, she could finger or cup feed to avoid causing further difficulties in adoptive nursing. As it happened, when he had a hard time latching (I spent hours with some very confused LCs and nurses!), I did the best I could to pump and supplemented where necessary… now he gets about 1/2-2/3 breast milk, and the rest formula. If she were nursing, I’d be happy to pump for awhile while she got her supply established so they could use that to supplement.
So, I would definitely talk about it, but don’t think it’s necessary or beneficial to include in your profile.
This is an older post, but I just found the site and we are newly adoptive parents. I actually induced lactation for our dd. We had a independent adoption and dd FM and I spoke very openly about breast feeding, in fact, she mentioned it first. We are only 3.5 months into our open adoption and are navigating our new relationships. FM usually asks how the breast feeding is going. I supplement still but am hoping that as soon as I can be home with dd full time more milk with come in. I induced simply by pumping for 6 weeks prior to dd arrival. It takes time but the bond she and I have is just lovely. For me, her and I being able to nourish each other this way is wonderful. Plus the benefit of even some breast milk is fantastic. FM never offered to breast feed her daughter and I completely understand and fully respect her decision. Honestly I think she feels very positive about me breast feeding. Some of FM family saw me feeding her at one visit, and it offered a sense of comfort to her aunt, she said, “she is breast feeding with her momma, just as it should be” I felt such a sense of connection with dd family at that moment and that this beautiful adoption has lead to our dd having SOOO many people around her that love her and only want the best for her. Sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent, but if anyone has questions about adoptive breast feeding feel free to post a question to me or there are a few books out there with some elements included: The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding or my favorite: Adoptive Breast Feeding. I am so happy to have found this site.
I know this is an old post but would you please send me information about your experience nursing. Thank you.
I have a great deal of respect and love for my soon to be child’s tummy mom, but I don’t think we can ecpect every topic to come up and be pre-disclosed by every hopeful adoptive parent, or likewise of first parents. Our child to be’s tummy mom asked questions she felt she needed to know about us to make her decision and adoptive nursing wasn’t something she asked. Perhaps it was not thought of, not important to her I don’t know, but I still am not sure what we’ll do when the little one arrives and IF I decide to nurse or attempt at least it will be after she signs consent papers and I don’t feel it needs to be disclosed to her prior as honestly I am still considering how to feed my child. I will not ask her for permission for everything I plan on doing and deciding for our little one, and she knows and accepts that, her opinion is the baby she is carrying will be our child to raise and parent and she trusts us and knows we will include her, love her always and respect her birth parent rights, I will respect her wishes when known prior.I also will include her often in many things, but not automatically in everything and I believe she and I are in agreement here. How an adoptive parent feeds their adoptive child is their decision, just like what color outfit the child will wear, or what will be served for dinner each night. Breastfeeding is a natural way to feed a child. Mother’s have done it since the dawn of time and an adoptive mom should be able to feed her child the way she sees fit. Likewise if she adopts a child from a first mom she knows won’t be accepting of this then that is not her best match for an open adoption, however if not known, it is not known and therefore not an issue.
@hopefulwaiting, ok wait a second. You say “if she adopts a child from a first mom she knows won’t be accepting of this then that is not her best match for an open adoption” but you feel disclosing is unimportant because it’s none of her business? This seems like a dishonest way to start out any adoption. Are you not discussing it because you KNOW it might be an issue? That’s lying by omission.
If you are hoping for an open adoption, then you need to consider the impact that this kind of lying might have on your long-term relationship with her AND with your CHILD’S long-term relationship. (Because openness is about our kids, remember.)
@hopefulwaiting, I absolutely agree with the Administrator… It should also be a consideration because if she DOESN’T know, she will likely bottle feed/use pacifiers while he’s in the hospital, which could cause nipple confusion, only adding to the difficulties in making adoptive breastfeeding work. One of the benefits of openness is that you can both do things to support each other! Also, if you’re planning an open adoption, then there’s a chance at some point she will see/see pictures of you breastfeeding. If it were me, and I didn’t know, I’d be upset that I wasn’t told. The breastfeeding vs. formula decision is NOT the same as deciding what color outfit to put on… and the fact that you asked the question shows you know that! (Assuming there’s not another thread going on what color onesies to buy…) Also, a lot of women don’t know adoptive breastfeeding is even a possibility, so they wouldn’t know to specifically ask.
I’m with Cindy on this one.
I’m with Cindy on this one. Especially if you’re hoping to have visits, you need to tell her. NOT telling her is something that could get in the way of the openness of your open adoption.
Also, you want to match with someone with whom you can build a trusting, honest relationship; not one where you have to hide an essential tool in your parenting workbook or where she’ll be blindsided to discover you nursing.
There are some first moms who are interested in nursing in the hospital because they know the benefits of colostrum. And others who are interested in pumping and sharing breastmilk after. These are also possibilities to consider.
I’m not sure if there are adoptive moms who regularly read here who have nursed or not but if there are, I hope some will weigh in on this. I know that adoptive nursing and open adoption aren’t as incompatible as some folks believe; it’s all about honesty from the get go.
HI! I’m an adoptive mom of
HI! I’m an adoptive mom of an infant, who I am nursing successfully. It is a very important part of mothering to me. I was never pregnant and induce lactation with medications and pumping.
My agency is very negative toward adoptive breastfeeding (hence my anonymity here), so we did not include information about nursing in our profile. Also, we wouldn’t want any moms to be turned off that early in the process. We thought it was a better conversation to have once there was a relationship established and some trust built. I mean, there are LOTS of parenting issues that we didn’t discuss in our profile.
We didn’t discuss nursing with several of the moms we talked to, but with the wonderful woman who mothered our child, I did have a brief conversation with her. I was very nervous. I wanted so badly to be honest with her, but I was so afraid of a negative reaction from her.
About a month before her due date, we were talking, and I approached it as “How would you feel if I wanted to breastfeed the baby?” And she said th emost amazing, powerful thing to me: “I chose you and your husband, and I trust whatever parenting decisions you make.” I felt that gave me the permission I needed, which I think really contributed to my lactating successfully. I have generally kept the nursing private from her. I want to respect her and any hard feelings it might cause for her. At one point, she accidentally saw a picture of me nursing, and asked me how the nursing was going. I was flustered, but she seemed calm about it.
Of course, you need to make the decision for yourself when and how to discuss this with an expectant mother, but I would recommend NOT including it in your profile and waiting until you have a personal relationship with someone.
The more honest you are up
The more honest you are up front, the better the relationship will be for all of you, as your child’s first mom will have similar views.
In our case, DS’s first mom did nurse in the hospital for 3 days, and pumped, froze and shipped us breastmilk for a month or so (we mixed it with formula to make it last). We are both big believers in the benefits of nursing, so this seemed natural to us…but I know some adoptive moms who would have been terrified to encourage this.
Inducing lactation was not an option for me, but she and I did discuss it and she would have been thrilled had I been able to do so.
(Original poster here –
(Original poster here – Sarah)
Thank you all for your comments, I hope more people weigh in on this. I definitely thought about the fact that I would need to be honest with my firstmom/birthmom about the fact that I was nursing so that it would not come as a shock when and if she was witness to it. I would love to find a match with someone that is supportive, and pumped milk from the firstmom would be an amazing gift!, but I’m afraid of turning potential firstmothers off with listing it my profile. Especially if it is as you say – Cindy – that most women feel it’s a terrible idea. I think maybe I like the idea of broaching the topic when we have already spoken, so that I am not seeming like a complete crazy stranger presenting this wild idea. In my mind breastfeeding is the norm for feeding a baby (absolutely NO disrespect to any Mamas out there that lovingly bottlefeed their babes!) and I would hope to continue that with any baby that came into my life.
Cindy – can you share some of the reasons these women felt this was a bad idea?
Thanks again to everyone! I really appreciate the insight!
- Sarah
Personally I would have no
Personally I would have no problem with an adoptive mom breast -feeding. Its just that from what I have read, the birthmoms from this forum feel like a adoptive mom breast feeding would take away from their idenity as the only person who could provide this for the baby. Now… I do not feel this way. Also, in general alot of women (not all) think breast feeding is ‘icky’. Most do it because doctors really advocate it, but the thought of someone choosing to do it to ‘bond’ with the baby may seem selfish to some women(again, not me) By the way, the adoptive mom did not want me expressing milk because she was concerned that it would slow down my physical recovery from giving birth. Also the cost involved otherwise was an issue. I hope that I have not offended you in any way. Breast feeding is a good thing. I hope that things work out for you.
Oh, not offended at all!
Oh, not offended at all! (Sarah here again, boy do I just need to register…),
I work with breastfeeding Moms in a support capacity, so I know how there are lots of funny feelings about breastfeeding out there, and lots of misinformation as well.
I am bummed to hear about the response I am likely to get, but I guess we’ll find the right match out there eventually. I want our firstmom to know that we TRULY plan to raise our adopted child as our own (in communion with the firstmom) including the special things we shared with our biological daughter. And in truth – I could never provide the same breastmilk that his or her firstmother could – your breastmilk is so specifically designed for the baby that you give birth to – mine could never be the same.
Thanks again everyone for your input.
- Sarah
We didn’t use an agency, so
We didn’t use an agency, so the whole profile thing is beyond my experience, however if any expectant moms are turned off by your commitment to breastfeeding, then don’t you think they wouldn’t be the right match for you?
If both you and the expectant mom are discouraged from it, as Cindy was discouraged from pumping and another poster mentioned their agency discouraging adoptive breastfeeding, how will the topic suddenly become more comfortable when face to face?
Because DS’s first mom and I met through a friend of a friend, and didn’t have any “rules” or “guidelines” we were able to bring up these tricky questions and discuss them. In the hospital, as any new mother, she was provided a lactation consultant immediately after birth, and her insurance paid for a breast pump rental for a full month. The lactation consultant advised her on pumping, and her recovery and was available for phone consultations after she went home. She gave us the info on the shipping and even offered me literature on adoptive breastfeeding. Had I known such people existed, I would have arranged for one ahead of time! We could have had a plan in place. Luckily it all worked out great, but perhaps it could have been better.
Also, I have not found that breastfeeding is considered “icky” by any majority. Perhaps it’s regional, or perhaps it’s just in my “circles”, but everyone I know, and the majority of those I have encountered in my vast Internet travels, is a strong advocate.
I agree with MamaB2C that
I agree with MamaB2C that you should mention it in your profile. I think waiting until later kinda forces the situation more because if a woman is already feeling committed to you, she may end up going along even though it’s not quite where she wants to be.
This is also what our agency encouraged (sharing it ahead of time). If you ended up working with an agency that was not comfortable with this then perhaps they’re also not the right agency for you.
I’m a mom through adoption.
I’m a mom through adoption. We formula-fed.
When this question comes up on other forums, the general response is, “No don’t mention it in the profile, but talk about it later.”
I’m not sure that how you choose to feed the baby is necessarily the business of the birthmom. I mean, there will be lots of choices you make, and you don’t put all of that info out. For example, if you plan to use time-outs, wear the baby, not to vaccinate according to the CDC schedule, use cry-it-out or not, etc. Should all of this information be – and could it even be – in the profile?
I see breastfeeding as another choice. I certainly don’t think that anyone should hide it from an expectant mom, but I don’t think it should define who you are as a parent either, as it might if you included it in a profile, or in the initial meeting.
We don’t vaccinate. I’m not going to put this in our next profile. I’m not going to volunteer the information out of context. If a mom asks – and our son’s birthmom did – then I will absolutely be honest about it. I see this topic in the same light.
I’m all for sharing in ‘in
I’m all for sharing in ‘in context’ but I don’t like the ‘none of her business’ idea in reguards to birthmoms because I am one. My impression in open adoption is that the birth/first parents and the adoptive parents become friends. I have friends who have kids and a sister who has kids. They all talk about their parenting styles and the ways that they feed their children to me all the time!!! |Couldn’t an adoptive parent choose to be open to a birth/first mom this way?? Anyways, this is the kind of info that is really helpful to grieving birth/first parents. I would not have choosen the couple I choose it I didn’t know what their parenting style was and even how they planned to feed my birthchild. Our first meeting when I was still pregnant(in 2005) lasted for 5 hours because the birthfather and I were asking them all about their parenting ideas, even what kind of school they plan to enroll my birthchild in and even if they would avocate post-secondary schooling (something very important to both myself and the birthfather) I would never have choosen them if they didn’t have parenting ideas in their profile and then confirm them when I talked with them. It is the expectant moms business, shes the one making an unalterable choice.
I should think how one plans
I should think how one plans to parent, and what basic philosophies that person has with regard to child rearing, is the most important thing for a mother to know, when she is considering that person to parent her child.
I’m late to respond but
I’m late to respond but maybe it’ll help someone down the road.
This should absolutely be disclosed to an expectant mother before she chooses you to parent. It’s true that it’s not our (birth mothers’) decision as to how you feed your child, once that baby is your child. However, this particular issue can be a deal-breaker for many women–meaning there are women who would never choose to place with an amom who plans to breastfeed.
So for this particular parenting issue, yes, you should disclose.