how close is to close in an open adoption? i really like my sons birthmom shes young and needs guidance which i try to give my husband says im tooo involved. let me say we adopted through DSS he was removed when hewas 3 mts old. My 5 bio girls like her but again shes made bad choices in her past. should i help guide or just keep our scheduled
visits. i just feel for her.
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I don’t understand exactly
I don’t understand exactly what you mean by ‘bad choices’. I think we all make bad choices, but my confusion is to why this should affect your closeness. Why does you husband think you are too involved? Involved how? Personally I think you need to just keep the scheduled visits that you have. That is very important. I don’t know what you mean by guiding her, how?? sorry for asking so much, your post just brings out alot of questions. I hope that you still pursue openness despite whatever fears you may have.
I can’t answer for the OP,
I can’t answer for the OP, but as DSS removed this child, I would assume either drugs or a violent partner or some level of neglect were involved in the “bad choices” made.
Well, if she has made a lot
Well, if she has made a lot of poor choices, perhaps it was due to lack of guidance in her own family, in which case your mentorship and caring might help her find a better path in life. Many people have turned their lives around when a single person took an interest in their well being.
How can helping a fellow human out (provided you aren’t enabling or codependent or otherwise unhealthy in your involvement) be the wrong thing to do?
My son’s first mom and I are very close. Friends, definitely, but she looks to me almost as a big sister in some aspects and asks for my advice on a number of issues. Due to our age difference I have a bit more experience, and dare I say wisdom even, to share with her. She brings creativity, fun and a new perspective to the proceedings so it’s certainly not a one sided relationship. I benefit as much as she does from our friendship.
I’m going to speak from my
I’m going to speak from my experience, which is probably not the same as yours, so, as they say, your mileage may vary.
My son’s bmom lives in another state. She is young. She makes very bad choices. We helped her out financially once, but when she called again to ask for more money, we said we couldn’t give it to her. We watch from afar as she keeps making the same bad choices.
I’m not sure what you mean by “guide”. If she’s asking for advice, then I see no harm in giving that to her. If, however, it seems that you’ve not only adopted your son, you’re adopting her, then I agree with your husband. Are you constantly on the phone with her, for example?
Does your husband feel that her bad choices may set a poor example for your DDs? I could definitely see not wanting children of a certain age to see an older person – whom they might see as someone important just because she’s older – without a serious discussion of why this person shouldn’t be emulated.
Without knowing more, I can’t speak as to whether your situation is “too close”. Your husband may have valid concerns, and you need to talk about them specifically together.
Robyn, this is really good
Robyn, this is really good concrete advice. If you ever got really bored and wanted to write a front page post on this topic that just might be swell.
the bad choices have been
the bad choices have been drugs violence gang activity and neglect. by guiding i mean she calls a few times a week to talk. i do give advice helped her set up a bank account,basically doing what her mom should do!
i will ALWAYS keep our scheduled visits, she does ask for more on a regular basis, i just get worried that the old saying one bad apple can spoil the bunch. i worry about my older girls. im new to this open adoption. i was adopted 37years ago closed of course and i wanted my son to have no unanswered questions. thank you all for your comments!!!! they are very much appreciated!