Several months after we adopted our daughter, we learned some very upsetting news about her birth family. Her birth mothers father is a registered sex offender, and sexually abused his daughter. We put a lot of effort into establishing a relationship with our daughters birth mother and our daughters birth family, but this mans presence in
visits, etc is very, very difficult for us to deal with.
It has become clear to us (my husband and i) that there are some serious issues with boundaries within the dynamic of our daughters birth family, and as such, it has been difficult navigate situations and visits.
We don’t regret the decision to pursue openness, but it does raise a question for us as adoptive parents. When she was pregnant, our daughters birth mother, had access to our home study, and an information she asked, we provided. Given the magnitude of her decision, as well as the welfare of her unborn child, this makes sense to us. However, I think more thought needs to be given about what type of information an adoptive family recieves before making the commitment/covenantal decision to intertwine their lives with people about whom we may have very little information.
Thoughts?
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I’m sorry you’re struggling
I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.
Too often open adoption is paid lip service but doesn’t get the real support that families and kids need. My impression is that open adoption has been promoted without recognition for what it really is and so what’s happened is that nothing happens beyond open adoption agreements (not worth the paper they’re printed on in most cases) and entrustment ceremonies. But actually living open adoption? There’s not much support. And clearly there’s not much recognition of the challenges when families like yours don’t receive all the information or support they need to create healthy relationships.
The issue, then, isn’t openness — it’s the lack of post-adoption support and of pre-adoption support that acknowledges that openness is more than photo ops.
I feel frustrated that often stories like this are used as an argument against openness instead of as an argument for better understanding of what openness entails and the need for post-adoption support services. (sigh) I hope that when folks like you share that it leads to more discussions about what we can do to best serve kids.
My intention in sharing this
My intention in sharing this story was not to rrgue against openness, but rather the practice and process. If I knew more about my daughters birth family, I might have navigated some things differently.
We have adopted two children through an agency that only handles open adoptions. Our daughter’s birth mother chose us after seeing a letter with photos (I don’t believe she was shown the homestudy, although I would not have minded). Once that communication started we were given a birth mother profile as well and then had lots of time for communication with her. The birth father is unknown and so we had no information and know that our daughter will never know this man (one-night-stand). For almost the first year of her life we had monthly communication and regular visits. We were even in contact with the birth mother’s family (her older children are being raised by her parents). The relationship began to suffer after the birth mother got pregnant again, asked us to adopt that baby, lost the baby and then lied to us about for months. We continued to try to work at the relationship for our daughter’s sake, even taking care of her older brother on numerous occassions. But when her birth mother started using drugs, became homeless, refused help, only wanted us to give her money, and was dragging her two year old all over the streets of a big city in the middle of summer–we decided we need to stop communication for our daughter’s sake. We helped our daughter’s birth grandparents get permanent custody of the two year old brother. This choice pretty much told the birth mother where we stood. That was on the side of the health and well-being of her children.
Openness is great, if all parties are healthy. But when one party is not healthy then you have to make choices for your child. This is your child–you are raising her. You are doing this to give her a life she would not have had otherwise, a life her birth mother chose for her. If at any point any relationship with any part of the birth family becomes dangerous or unhealthy then I think it is appropriate to stop or seriously limit contact until such a time when a healthy relationship can be re-established. We were supported in our decision by our adoption agency, who were happy to offer support whenever we needed it. We kept them informed about what was happening and we were offered advice and support.
I don’t think I would allow a registered sex offender to continue to have any kind of relationship with my child. You can talk to her about this at a time in her life when she is old enough to understand what is going on. In the mean time I would do anything I could to ensure her safety–physically and emotinally–for me that would mean no contact with this grandparent.
I definately think that all information should be provided to the adoptive parents. They are making a life decision when chosing a child and accepting a birthfamily. In both of our adoptions, we found out about a lot of lies that we were told and information that was left out. It leaves us feeling like ‘if they didn’t share with us, why should be share with them?’. Doesn’t anybody remember the whole ‘treat others as you want to be treated’ philosophy?
Honestly I thought that my
Honestly I thought that my birthchild adoptive parents had information on us just like the birthfather and I did. I had to fill out alot of forms with personal information on it. I really wonder if the adoptive parents of my birthchild really got that information. Personally I don’t think that knowing about your birthmoms father would matter, its her and alot of other birth family members you should focus on. Obviously your daughters birthmom probably understands why you would be scared and she probably wouldn’t want to tell anyone about her father. I am curious. What makes it so difficult just because she has been hurt by a family member? Is this father still a part of her life? I seriously hope not.
What makes it so difficult
What makes it so difficult just because she has been hurt by a family
member? Is this father still a part of her life? I seriously hope not.
Yes, her father is still involved in her life and the family. He has not been in exile, as many people would have assumed. He (birth grandfather) and birth grandmother are still married.
In general, this set of grand parents have some very serious issues with appropriate boundaries and decisions.
I do understand that YOU
I do understand that YOU were not arguing against openness — I was just taking my thought a step further and expressing frustration that families like yours are so often used as cautionary tales instead of as examples of the need for better support and professional practices. I apologize for not being clear.
Thanks I intially did
Thanks I intially did misunderstand you.
I think after I thought about my post, and learned that the information sharing varies so much, I realized that I could have been understood as well.
Our entire homestudy was read by our E’s birth mother..the nitty gritty was there: my weight (yikes!) , how much we make, that we went to counseling in the past,..all things that were hard to share initially but as I look back , of course, were important things to know.
I think on different boards I am on, the openness issue is looked at from different angles: who is it intended to benefit? For me, I thought more about it as a parenting decision to benefit my (potential child) whereas sometimes I hear it being used (at least in my opinion) as a point of negotiation: I hope prospective adoptive parents don’t agree to some type of frequency of contact just because they think its what might get them “chosen.”
I didn’t really know if openness was something that my daughters first mother even wanted , or would benefit from.
Honestly, I am not sure sometimes, because I wonder if having us visit makes it harder or “easier” (if thats even possible.)
I can’t imagine, though , in this day and age, not having some sort of information given to some member of the birth family..because the adults that I know who were adopted in a closed or international adoption who did find their birth family said they felt so sad that their birth family did not know if they were okay.
We were given a ton of
We were given a ton of information about Jack’s birthmom, while she was only given the basics about us. It varies from agency to agency, I would imagine.
I think certain information should be required – such as divulging that a close birthfamily member is a sex offender. We would be denied the right to adopt if we lived with a sex offender. More formality, I suppose, should be put in with regards to what information on either side is shared.
As we did not use an agency
As we did not use an agency we had noone to “give” us information, we simply asked first mom whatever questions we had.
That being said, what might you have done differently had you known her dad was a sex offender? What prevents you from doing something differently now that you know? You have new information at hand, the boundry issues for example, what possible solutions are there?
I feel that if any specific person is (or becomes) a danger or possible danger, or toxic, or emotionally detrimental to my child, I would limit and/or revise contact. I don’t care if it’s my brother, my cousin, my best friend, a member of his first family, or in my case my own mother-in-law (she’s a bigot, but reins in her more hateful diatribes to some extent in my presence, so I will not allow her unsupervised time with DS). His well being is my responsibility and I make decisions according to the information at hand.
Grace, I’m sorry that your daughter’s first mom is making such poor choices right now. And you know, I feel like you still have an open adoption except that you have boundaries in place for safety. What I mean is that you have contact with the first family members who are safe and so you continue to honor your daughter’s biological connections without compromising her health and well being. That’s openness. I don’t think openness is necessarily X number of visits a year or X amount of contact — it’s creating connection for our kids in the way we can given the reality of their particular adoptions. I’d say that you’re doing a great job of maintaining an open adoption that works for YOUR child and your insight is valuable.