Is there anyone here who has adopted older children from foster care? We are going to be having an open adoption of four siblings through the foster care system. Their ages are 9, 8, 5, years and 3 months old. We live in the same general area as their natural parents.
For those of you in a similar situation, how often and what type of contact do you have with the birth parents?
Some people are telling me that a break in contact is necessary/would be beneficial for the children, to be able to adjust to the situation. They have been living with us for almost two years with weekly supervised visits prior to termination. We have had visits since. Would you recommend a break (several months) and why?
Thanks in advance.
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We are foster parents and
We are foster parents and currently have supervised-by-us visits with both sides of our foster son’s bio family. If we were to adopt him, we would continue those visits.
I would not recommend a break in visits – it sounds like you have already had some visits outside of the agency supervised set up (post termination) and I don’t understand why that would change once you adopt them.
I would be concerned that a break in visits would make them think that adoption by you = not allowed to see or love their bio parents anymore, which wouldn’t be healthy.
What kind of relationship do you have with them? Is there an issue of danger to you or the children from them? We have a very friendly relationship with our foster son’s bio families so that’s the perspective this comes from.
I think if we were about to adopt I’d want to have a face to face conversation, without the kids there, about what kind and frequency of future contact to have. Figure out in advance what you are comfortable with and propose that, see what they say and then write down what you all agree to and give them a copy, so everyone is clear about what will happen next.
What do the kids understand about the upcoming adoption? It may be that talking to them and reading books about adoption with them would be enough to help them understand that living with you is now permanent.
I feel like I’m not doing your post justice – it’s such a complicated situation. Feel free to email me privately if you want.
We also adopted from foster care. Our son was thirty months at his adoption so not quite an “older” adoption.
We did take a break from visits of about 8 months from termination. It was helpful in our situation. Prior to termination our son’s visits were very difficult. His bmom has significant cognitive delays and incapable of reading/responding to non-verbal cues. Our son would become extemely frustrated during visits. He would tantrum, beat his head agains the floor and walls and demand to leave. Several visits were cut short due to his behavior. Taking a break from the weekly torment was very helpful.
When we resumed visits after the adoption, they were very different. We were there for the entire visit, we were in a fun place (not the DCF office), and he was more verbal so his bmom was better able to respond to his attempts to communicate.
There are lots of right answers. Depends on how it is going for your kids. Have you talked with the kids about their preference? At least the 9 & 8 year old probably have something to say about it.
Good luck.
I don’t see the purpose of
I don’t see the purpose of the break in visitation, especially considering they are probably already settled and attached. But maybe the birth family needs time to adjust? Can you talk to them about it? You know the situation and your kids the best. I say go with your gut.
We have adopted twice from foster care. Our 7 year old is in a completely closed adoption due to safety issues. Our 4 year old is in a very open adoption. We do visits once or twice a month. He/I talk to his birth mom on the phone probably once a week or so. And we send text messages and pictures a lot…probably 2-4 times a week.
We didn’t take a break after the adoption, in fact once we were free from following DHS’s rules we had more contact/visits.