My 17 yr old son and his 17 yr old girlfriend have a nearly 4 month old baby boy. They decided to place him for adoption with a wonderful family whom we have all gotten to know very well. We have come to love and trust this family, my grandson’s adoptive parents and brother, throughout an extended period of waiting for the adoption to become finalized. There were extenuating circumstances involving the maternal grandmother. Now- it looks like the adoption will be finalized in a week or so. My questions are these: As I have been one of the primary caregivers of my grandson, I’ve refered to myself as “Grandma”. What will I call myself now? Also, how do we refer to his “birth” mother and father? etc. etc.
And lastly (for now anyhow) how does a very loving and caring family who know that they are doing the right thing for the baby grieve for the loss of the child? This is going to hurt us all so much.
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Society really makes it more
Society really makes it more complicated than it needs to be, it seems.
Our son has 4 sets of grandparents plus an honorary set in our next door neighbors. He has a Mimaw, a Nana, a Nana First name, a Nannynette (he made that one up), a Poppo, three Papa First Names and the neighbors are Granny and Buddy. He also has 4 living great grandmas and a great grandpa (he’s only met 2 great grandmas though…they are both Mimaws as well).
If the adoptive parents are like us, I see no reason you should not continue to be Grandma. I myself had two Grandmas, two Grandpas multiple Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc. Adding a few more shouldn’t be confusing.
We call/refer to his first parents by their names, at their request, and Kiddo can call them whatever he likes as he gets older (he’s just 2.5). I will have no problem if he chooses some version of Mother and Father, because it’s his truth.
What we have done is created a larger family. It’s not unlike in-laws in some ways, as we are all connected through our shared love for one person.
I suggest that if these people are as wonderful as you describe, they would welcome frank and honest discussions about all of this. Forging open adoption relationships is new to them too! Perhaps even ask if they would like to join us here.
Unfortunately I can’t help with your grief, but you have my best wishes..
Hi Dawn,
As a reunited and a
Hi Dawn,
As a reunited and a psychotherapist specializing in the area of pre/post-adoption and foster care and having seen issues from all sides (birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents, etc) both personally and professionally, what I can say is your status as a grandparent doesn’t change nor does your child’s status as a parent. The reality of every adoptee is that there have two sets of families, with parents, grandparents, etc. Yes, it’s mind-blowing to sort out both families and make sense of it all, but this is the reality for us all. The birth parents are birthparents….but why the labels as society likes to put on folk… your are this child’s grandparent relinquished for adoption or not. The same applies to this child’s parents. We live in a world where we get so caught up with labels and that’s where the problems being….especially when it comes to reunion issues.
Adoption is a lifelong process for everyone, and the grief is very different from grieving the death of a loved one. It’s the sort of grief that society doesn’t acknowledge fully yet…called disenfraichised grief…the inability to mourn in public. Your grief will be lifelong…it may lessen but it will always be there. I know both personal and professional….lived it and seen it. It gets easier but that’s if folk have the proper support professionally and personally (support groups, etc). Take it a day at a time…..
I know some see the”labels”
I know some see the”labels” used in open adoption or adoption as limting, or possibly punishing, but I feel they are necessary, for their descriptive use.
Yes, my daughter has two mothers, and two fathers.
However, because she has ongoing contact with her first mother (we all use the term birth mother), the use of birth as a “prefix” is used to help delineate our roles in her life.
Yes, all of are her family, but her birth mother and her birth father are not parenting her, so the call them her parents with out the birth prefix is inaccurate, confusing.
I don’t use the term birth to “demote” them, just like the term “adoptive” mom and dad does take away from us as her parents. In every day life (i.e. at preschool, grocery store, playdates) I introduce myself as my daughters mom.
When we have get togethers with her birth family , and I meet neighbors or friends of theirs, I introduce myself as her adoptive mom, because her birth mother is present, and it differentiates who is the mother who gave birth to her, and who is the one is raising her.
I think that deliniation is important for ALL of us.
The choice of language, in the end, is a parenting choice for us..as is the choice to have openness, etc.
Currently, my daughter calls her birth mother by her first name. I have sometimes modeled other choices such as “birthmom” or “birth mom ____”
My mother was adopted by her stepfather when she was 6. As a child, she never knew her biological father, though she reunited with him as an adult. She refers to both as her dad, but when there is confusion to whom she is referring..she used “my natural father” or “biological father” and “step dad or adoptive father”–but she only addresses her adoptive father as Dad. She calls her biological father (both are now deceased) by his first name..that was what felt right to both of them, as he was never a psychological parent to her, though her adoptive father wanted her to know that he did not feel diminished if she did call him (bio dad) Dad.
I know many will disagree with me, but I feel very strongly that in her growing up , for her to call her birth parents “mom” and “dad” is not accurate. Her birth mother is a wonderful woman who took very good care of her when she was pregnant, and when she gave birth to her, and she sees her atleast 4-6 times a year. But when she is out with her birth mom alone (just the two of them) , we both talked about it, and for her birth mom to introduce herself to others as “her mom” would feel uncomfortable for all of us.
I know that is part of what h. (birth mom) will be grieving..the loss of the role of as her parenting mother, and e. may someday, or already deal, with an ongoing grief process with the loss of her first mom as her parenting mother.
I sometimes have to confront or deal with my own grief as not having a biological connection to my daughter, or to know what it was like to carry her. Lately it surfaces when she says “Am I tall like you?” (She is tall, and so am I ,but its obviously not inherited.) For me, its not a huge grief…just a little sting or melancholy.
I have heard this called ‘ambigious grief”–a birth mother in an open adoption does not lose the full contact or knowledge or communication, but loses a role/relationship.
As for grandparents, I think this is far less complicated. With remarriage, widowing etc. and adoption, children have many grandparents. In my case, I have 3 grand fathers: my bio materanal, adoptive maternal and paternal grandfather.
My daughter has:
bio maternal grandmother Grandma T
bio marental grandfather Grandpad D
bio paternal grandmother and grandfather, who we have never met, and don’t know their names
adoptive maternal grandparents Mimi and Papa
adoptive paternal grandparents Grandma V and Grandpa B, plus
adoptive paternal step grandmother “Babushka” (my FIL recently remarried)
and she is also close to our elderly neighbors who have no grandchildren
and she sometimes calls them Grandma and Grandpa, but not because they asked her to..we will see where that goes.
This fall, my daugther will be the flower girl in her “birth aunts” wedding (sister of birth mother)
I say Aunt but when someone knows that I have a sister who is 50 and already married, I explain more (with the birth descriptors..for clarity)
in the original posters question, I would see the transition of roles being harder for the parents who are placing the child for adoption..I imagine a candid discussion with the adoptive family would be helpful.
I remember one of my fellow adoptive parents meeting with an expectant mom who wanted to be called mom and for them to be called Aunt J and Uncle C, and it was clear that she was either mislead or not coming to terms with what relinquishment would mean both legally and psychoglogically.
I know as the birth/bio/first mother, that its hard to think of that, but I think its most unfair to a child to be place for adoption and not be able to embrace the adoptive family as their FAMILY, with the sense of permanency and belonging that is needed.
Open adoption is a better practice, but I hope its not used to market to expectant mothers as adoption without loss or pain. Because if it is, everyone in the triad , esp the child is being misserved.
Its really moving to hear
Its really moving to hear how you care so much about this child. I am a birthmom and sometimes I feel like my own mother doesn’t really care about her ‘birth-grandchild’. Sometimes I know she does but I have heard many birthparents say that they believe that their parents did not care about the child being surrendered and in alot of cases that was the reason for pursuing an adoption plan. This is not the case for you and I believe you should proudly state that you are a ‘birth-grandma’. I am sure this would encourage your son to know that you feel the pain of losing this child as well. Thank you for sharing about your story.
I really wish you all the blessings you deserve for you selfless love and devotion to this child.
By the way, the grieve feelings don’t go away or lessen with knowing about the child or even visits but you will in time learn how to live with the sorrow. Such is life…
This is me – the original
This is me – the original poster and I want to thank you all for the comments – all helpful and insightful. The placement happened earlier today and it was the single most painful thing I have had to live through thus far. My son sobbed for almost an hour while holding his son as our adoptionagent/councillor stood by, patiently waiting for just the right time to take the baby to his new parents. The little baby’s mum stood over my son, sobbing as well. All of us wondered – “Is this really the right thing to do?” By all of us, I refer to me (the Gramma) my husband and my 15 year old daughter. None of us could stop crying. We are crying, off and on, still. Finally, the baby was placed in his car seat and taken to the adoption councillor’s car and then taken to his new parents home where I’m sure they met him with tons of love and happiness. (None of which consoles us right now, oddly.) We recieved an email later in the day from his new parents to tell us that all was well etc. and not to worry. We aren’t worried at all for the baby’s well being or that there is any lack of love. I’m just not so sure any more that we’ve made the right decision – though it wasn’t mine to make – but I know that I’m a BIG influence on it from both the birth father and the birth mother’s perspective. Please help reassure me that I helped them make the right decision – they are both so young and so, so smart and deserve all that life can offer them. And at 44 – I’m not ready to be mummy again. OMG am I just being selfish???
I don’t think any of us can
I don’t think any of us can tell you whether or not it was the right decision. I wish we could.
I’m so very sorry for how painful this is. Your love for your grandson, your son and your whole family is so evident. I’m thinking of all of you tonight.
I wish there was something I
I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. You and your family are in my prayers. My heart is with you.
You are not being selfish,
You are not being selfish, at least I don’t think so. As long as you try and view the situtation in logic and just think of the reasons you are participating in this adoption and you might not feel so guilty. I can’t really tell you that you make the right choice or not. Just remember that if it is still less than three months after placement and the birthparents have good reason to nt they can contest the adoption if they wish. Now I am just saying that nothing is ever so final, not that you should do anything to change what has happened so far. Most likely you and the birthparents have really put alot of thought into this decision. I would advise to talk to the birthparents alot. Really listen to what they tell you about their feelings. Right now your probably the only person that can understand. Just be there for the birthparents and remember that most likely you will see this child again, if it is a open adoption. So even thought people who are strangers to you right now are the parents in years to come you will probably know as much about this child as you would had the birthparents raised the child. I wish I could reassure of your role in this childs life but I can’t . The best thing you can do right now is just to not punish yourself with negative thoughts. Try and be postive you emotions will follow.
It’s been another full
It’s been another full day. I can breath a bit today. Took the whole family to the movies – a comedy – which really helped. We have heard that all is well with his adoptive family too. Their little stories (told via email) are so, so sweet. It is really such a bittersweet feeling to know that a child that you love so dearly is being loved just as dearly by someone else. What really, really helps is that these are not strangers. If anyone ever asks is openness is a mistake, I would say no. Not for the birth family anyway. (In extenuating circumstances, I’d probably say something else. But ours is probably the most ideal of circumstances where we know and trust them and they know and trust us.) Thanks for your continued support. Tomorrow is another day to get thru.
Your recent post has touched
Your recent post has touched me. I am an adoptive mom who loves her daughter’s birth grandmother dearly. Due to the circumstances of her birth and adoption, we spent a lot of time together during my daughter’s first month of life which was is in the hospital. Leaving the hospital with my daughter, I ached with grief for the birthfamily especially the birth grandmother. We too have a very open adoption. However, I know she still grieves so much. I hope she and my daughter will have a relationship.
I was really touched by your
I was really touched by your story, especially since I’m on the other side of a similar story. I am an adoptive mother who adopted of a beautiful little girl, whose birthparents were teenagers, and whose birthgrandparents had a difficult time with the adoption. I know that they experienced the same grief and sense of loss that you are going through. And I struggled with guilt that they felt such a loss and such pain.
I don’t know if this helps…but my experience so far is that the first year was tough. But once we got through that, and we had established a “routine” of communication and visits…things seemed to get easier. Now, when we visit, there are no tears or anxiety. We are a group of friends who share a special bond, who meet to “catch up” on each others’ lives…who share moments of fun and good times with both of my kids.
I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. I feel for you and I will pray for you. But please know and please hold on to the thought, “It will get better!!”.