I have had her since birth. She is three now. Her mother is my drug-addicted daughter. She sees on sporadically. My daughter wants her to call her “Mommy”. Help.
At what age should I tell my adopted child that I am really her grandmother?
– August 22, 2008Posted in: Community Wisdom
There are two issues here:
There are two issues here: One is that you need to tell your 3-year old her adoption story now and help her process it. The second is dealing with your daughter’s need to be called Mommy.
But your 3-year old does need to know how she arrived to your family and that her adoption story is nothing to be ashamed of. My experience has been that kids — given the support and answers they need — aren’t as confused as we grown-ups think they might be. Also, since your (oldest) daughter is wanting to be called Mommy, if you don’t tell your 3-year old it’s likely she’ll find out in what could be a painful, angry scene. Better she find out lovingly and appropriately from you.
I hope that there are some other in-family adoption folks on here who can share some better support/advice but if not, perhaps you could find some resources in town? Maybe the social worker who helped arrange the adoption has some ideas or resources?
I’m thinking of you and both your daughters.
For whatever this is worth,
For whatever this is worth, I know a family that are raising their grandson, he only sees his mom sporadically and she isn’t able to be a parent to him. It seems to be important to him to call his mom ‘mommy’ and his grandmother ‘mam-maw’.
He is six. He’ll correct people in public if they call his grandmother his ‘mommy’ (she is young enough to ‘pass’).
Kids are different of course and what works for this family might not work for yours, but I second everyone’s advice, above.
I agree with Dawn, tell your
I agree with Dawn, tell your younger daughter as soon as possible. Then if it’s an option to discuss the situation with your older daughter, see if there is a solution that feels comfortable to all involved. My son knows his aunt (my sister) is his mother, but he has been with us for 5 years and views me as his mother- he chooses to call her by her first name.
Just wondering…how old is
Just wondering…how old is your daughter (the birthmom) ? Is she making any steps to recover from her addiction? Have you done anything to assist her? I am sure you have. Personally I think that you should have a private talk with your first daughter. Tell her that the only way she could really be involved in her childs life is to get clean and live a responsible life. Also since it seems you are the sole guardian of this child (or is your husband part of this too?) that you should really have some rules about visits ie: they should be planned, your daughter should be sober, they should be respectful, they should be for a set time only…etc.
Honestly your daughters request to be called ‘mommy’ might be a step in the right direction if she plans to be clean and sober. Like a sick person asking for food, this might be a sign that she is trying to get better. I know it might seem scary to think that your role as a parent to this toddler might change but keep in mind that children are smarter than they look. Children who are being raised by someone other than their birthparents often say later in life that they ‘knew’ that something was different at a very young age. This younger will figure it out sooner than later and it might be wise to be ‘open’ about who you really are and where she really came from so she knows why she is the way she is and all. Knowing why you have the shape of nose you do and other things like that is actually very important to youngesters. Helps them develop in character and all. I hope that you find my advise sensible. I hope that things turn out well for you and espiecially the young one.