I am a birthmother and have an open adoption with my daughter’s family. She just calls me by name, but knows & understands that I am her birthmother as she went through the adoption process with her parents for her little sister. Her little sister’s birthmom just had a baby & I have since gotten married & am expecting. We know by blood they will be siblings, but in reality they won’t be “sister” or “brother”, what is the best way to refer each other as? We thought “cousin” might be good as in some cultures if you’re close with a family they are aunty, uncle, cousin with no blood relation. I want to get other’s imputs to know what you have done or would do in these circumstances.
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My daughter and son both
My daughter and son both have “half-”siblings by their birth parents. My daughter’s sister calls her (my daughter) her “half-ways sister.” She was 4 when she coined the term.
Mainly we just refer to them as siblings, or sometimes “Noelle’s children” when someone doesn’t feel like explaining the whole complicated relationship.
I have been wondering about this myself. My son is 3 1/2 and has a little sister in our family (also adopted). His birthmom has two daughters (older than him) and recently had another baby boy. All three of them are living with her. I’m trying to explain everything on a need to know basis, as it’s appropriate for him. I mentioned the word “birth-sister” to him before a visit with them last summer. The term didn’t seem to sit well with him at the time–maybe because we had just adopted our daughter and he understood a sister to be a new little person with whom you’ll be forced to share your mom & dad!
Anyway, I backed off that term and have since referred to the girls and the new baby as his birthmom’s kids. I’ve been a little anxious lately about our next visit. At the last visit, the girls, who are older than him, said things like “he’s my brother”. I’m hoping he won’t be confused by that or upset by them saying things like that. At this age, he has a very concrete and limited definition of what a sister or brother is. I’m wondering if I need to go ahead and introduce the birthsister, birthbrother language to him now, before we visit. I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this.
Our daughter calls them her brothers and sisters so we do as well. She has six older and younger half-siblings and her birthdad has a stepson who she decided is her brother too. We aren’t picky about words.
Like michelle above, we aren’t picky about words. My daughter’s bio brother actually told his teacher that his sister’s “real” name is [her original name before she went into foster care]. Even though my daughter had responded that her name was Maya when the teacher asked. I didn’t correct him exactly. That is how he knew her before she left his family. I said, “Yes, that is one of her real names. You can use either one.” In fact, we kept her original name as her middle name. And my daughter’s family continues to call her by her original name. She doesn’t seem confused by it. Her biological family merely uses her middle name even though she self identifies as Maya. If she ever has a problem with it, she will tell them, I imagine. Or we will talk about it.
I think that whatever way we, adoptive parents, choose to go on these issues, if our child tells us they are uncomfortable with our choice of words, there will always be time to modify. And, since everyone presumably has the child’s best interest at heart, we will all hopefully go with the child’s feelings (and not our own issues of ego, etc.). Spoken like a true lawyer, eh?
While I am not anywhere near
While I am not anywhere near having my own family I do plan on having children one day…this topic actually came up the first time I met Cupcake’s (my placed daughter’s) Mom. She mentioned that she was probably not going to adopt again and asked if I planned on having more children. I told her absolutely that I hoped to one day get married and raise a family. She was so excited and said, “Oh great! So Cupcake will have brothers and sisters!”
While they won’t live together like “traditional” siblings, that’s still what they will be to each other in their own unique way.
I grew up with two half-sisters that I never lived with and rarely saw, but I still absolutely consider them my sisters. My full bio sis however, who DID live with me, doesn’t consider our half sisters her sisters like I do…it’s really whatever works for the family and the individual.
Interesting question. My
Interesting question. My children are half-siblings but we have adopted them all. We do not refer to them as half-siblings because that would be akward, however true it might be. Their birthmother has a fourth child and we just say, “birthmom’s little girl”. We’re allowing the children to make that familial connection on their own as they get older and are better able to process any emotions they might experience with it. Because the children have different fathers, it is easily assumed that they have other half-siblings but we do not have connections with any of those men and it is not an issue we are faced with at the moment. We are not intentionally being dismissive with the familial relationships, rather, knowing the emotional and mental abilities of our children, we are currently in a “discuss only when they bring it up” mode. (my oldest two children are emotionally and or mentally impaired)
I think brother and sister
I think brother and sister is appropriate and shouldn’t cause confusion in an open adoption.
I am an a-mom of twins.
I am an a-mom of twins. Their n-mom has an older daughter. We call her their sister. Not all brothers and sisters grow up with each other. Obveously they will probably not have the “brother/sister bond” that siblings share when raised under the same roof, but that does not negate the fact that they are in fact brother/sister.
This is only a small part of the complexities of adoption/ open adoption. But don’t be affraid of it.
When the time is right, we
When the time is right, we plan to use birth-sister/brother as that is in fact what they are. Hope this helps.