I am pretty stressed out right now. I am a foster-mom of a 2 year old boy and am in the process of adopting him. Uniquely, the birthmom (her rights were terminated by the county) and I have forged a good relationship and we plan on keeping the adoption open. I guess I thought this would be easy but now that I feel like he is “mine” it is so hard for me to hear him call her “Mommy” and cry when she leaves. He also calls me “Mommy” and cries when I leave. I am getting so confused about my own feelings and trying to separate those from what is best for my son and also taking into account the BMoms feelings and it is all becoming an emotional bowl of spaghetti. My friends and family are no help. They try but they just don’t get it. I am a single mom too, so I feel so confused about what is normal. I was committed to an open adoption and still am, I think. I just have a lot of concerns now that it has “started”.
If you don’t think I sound too crazy, can you offer advice? Is it healthy for my son to call us both “Mommy”? How can I possibly tell the woman who gave birth to him that she can’t be called Mommy? I worry about the effect of the monthly visits on my son. He cries at the end of every one. I feel like he thinks his BMom is abandoning him every month! My friends say he is too young to be upset by that and that I am projecting my feelings onto him. I don’t know.
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I am a birthmom and I
I am a birthmom and I actually do not want my birthchild calling me mom. It actually makes me happy to hear the mom I choose being called ‘mommy’. I think your case is obviously very different from mine. I never parented and placed at birth. I think you should be open and honest with your sons birthmom, you know this is a hard time for her as her right to parent is being removed from her against her will. Be really straight-forward with her and have this conversation with your son present. I think you should tell her that you want you son to call her by her given name or a nickname of some sort like ‘tummy-mummy’ or something. This transition is going to be difficult for your son. I suggest that you have visits in a highly social environments like a family picnic or an outing with other friends, both yours and hers, or a social thing you normally do like church or a soccer game or whatever you usually do with most of your family and friends. Allowing her to be part of these events will let her know how your sons life really is and because of all the other people the focus won’t be on her and your son might not even notice her coming or going. If you feel comfortable let her do something special with your son to really say ‘goodbye’ so that your son knows that he has two mommies but one is everyday and one gave him life. I could be that your projecting some ‘feelings’ on your son. Children copy everything they see. I know this is a huge message and I am sorry about that… I’ll end with a quote I resently saw ‘ If a mom can love two children why is it so hard to believe and a child can love two mommies?’ Please let me know if you try anything I suggest.
I just wanted to say the person above who said she only knows of one adoptive family from foster-adopt who has an open adoption must not know many foster-adoptive families because almost ALL of the ones we know have some form of open/semi-open adoption with someone in the birth family. Let me go on record as the 2nd family you know with an open adoption from foster care.
We speak regularly to families finishing their foster care certification and stress to try to find a way to have some aspect of openness and connection to their first family.
i am too a foster to adopt home..we entered in an OA with bmom only,,dad never showed up. We knew pretty much from the get go reunification was going to be difficult,,fm didnt do what she needed from the beginning,,since he was barley 4mths,,he came to know US as mommy and daddy,,just by hearing our children. she became..her first name. He cries for us when hes scared, and smiles for us when hes happy,, We are, his mommy and daddy,because we do what mommy and daddys do.
WOW….
Every situation is different. But many two year olds get upset when someone they care about leaves. And with all the comments about how the bmom should know better that to show her greif and whatnot nobody seemed to notice that you said her rights were terminated by the county, as in against her will, as in this woman is trying to cope with the fact that she feels like her biological child was in effect, legally stolen from her. It doesn’t mean that she is trying to make it harder on your child or you, just that she actually loved him and is sad to let him go. Which is normal.
As far as the “mommy” issue, that can be a very touchy subject. Because, while it is just a word, it is definably one that has a great deal of meaning and power behind it. And can cause much frustration and pain on all accounts. Now if he knew his bmom as “mommy” before you came into his life, he may always associate her with that name or he may with time call her something else. She may even prompt him to as she comes out the other end of her own grief and accepts that he is legally yours now and trusts that you will do right by him. If she just started it recently though, she may need some help coping.
My situation is just the opposite. My girls’ Foster mom taught them to call her and her husband mommy and daddy, and me and their father by our first names. And she is the one staying too long and dragging out the goodbyes at every visit. Which has caused my older daughter to start acting out every time she is picked up for our visits. Now they are being returned and my almost 4 year old thinks I’m trying to hurt her “mommy” and make her sad because I want to take her away from her “family”
My advice, sit down and talk to her about the situation and how he is reacting honestly. Remember to let her voice her thoughts to you as well, because the stress and confusion you’re feeling, she feels that to plus the loss of the child you’ve just gained. If she truly loves him and has his best interests at heart she will come to a compromise with you that is best for everyone involved.
YES! And when you get
YES! And when you get confused remember that Mommy is just a word – an emotionally charged one but just a word. You are the one there when she leaves!
Think of it as if you were a lesbian mother and he had two mommies. or if one of those Mommy words was “daddy”, or Grandmommy…
Very soon he will be older and bale to make more distinction. He may decide to callher Mommy Susie or whatever.
What you are doing is RIGHT and NORMAL and BEST. He HAS to Mommies! That is his reality. And these days its not that odd!
The example of lesbians is
The example of lesbians is not appropriate analogy in my eyes. Both mothers are caregivers and parenting a child. The lesbian couples I met came up with different maternal names…
I think in the original posters situation , it would be hard to stop calling her mommy, but maybe adding her name like Mommy Lisa would help make the distinction.
As painful as it probably is for my daughters birth family, I did not feel it was right for us to address her as mommy. Now my daughter is four, I asked her if she would like to call her Birth mom or her name, and she said “birth mom.”
Hi. I am a 40 year old
Hi. I am a 40 year old woman who was adopted as a baby. I since have found my birthparents. They are nice people, however they are not my mom and dad. I am very grateful that open adoption was not an option when I was born. I cannot even imagine how confused I would have been had I been forced to deal with ‘two’ mommies. My parents had only kind things to say about my birthmother, but we talked about it one day, and that was it. It was never brought up unless I wanted to. I forged very solid relationships with my mom and dad, that I don’t think I would have in an open situation. I felt very secure and loved. I was then able to deal with other feelings when I found my birthparents as an adult (I was 30). It was difficult enough then! My birth mother is very happy that I had a great childhood, and a great life. We all know she did the right thing! I have so much respect for my birth mom knowing she did what was best for ME. My life, and hers have been better because of my adoption. I cringe at open adoption today – we will be raising many insecure and confused kids, and also not letting the adoptive mom and dad be the mom and dad, which they are! Since you are already in an open situation, your choices are more limited, but you need to establish some clear boundaries. You are the ONLY mother now. Keep the birth mother in the loop, but not visible to the child. The child needs to bond with you, and you alone.
Hi happygirl! We very much
Hi happygirl! We very much welcome adoptee presence here on the site but it’s important that you understand that this site is to SUPPORT openness in adoption. While disparate points of view can offer valuable insight, do know that your opinions will likely be in the minority here since it’s belief in the value of open adoption that brings most participants here. I encourage you to read the research about openness that we’ve linked here so you can see that the studies bear out that adopted kids are better off having connection to their birth families.
I don’t mean to negate your experiences AT ALL — I’m glad that your relationship with your adoptive parents is a strong one and that you’ve been able to forge connection with your birth mom as an adult. But your statement that open adoption raises “insecure and confused kids” hasn’t been supported by the research.
Children often have multuple
Children often have multuple Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles, siblings, and parents, and we have no trouble expecting them to not get confused…but when it comes to “Mommy” there is an emotional issue that comes from us, the adults, not the child (in my opinion) and we suddenly expect confusion.
Why not a different name for yourself? Possibly Mama? Not a different title, just a different version of that title. That might help you claim your own motherhood without requiring she give up hers. You’re both mothers, but you are also also the parent, so need to feel secure in that role. As he gets older you can adjust things, and he might make his own ditinctions, or you can choose a new name/title for her. Right now he is too young to understand the difference, in my opinion.
As for the crying, that’s somewhat common for the age I think. My son sometimes cries when anyone he loves leaves the house, even if he will be seeing them soon. I wouldn’t be too concerned about that, at age 2.
I think it is wonderful that
I think it is wonderful that you are willing to allow your son to see his birthmother. Your son will be so much more able to deal with this transition eventually and it will be a blessing to him in the long run.
First of all, ALL two year olds cry when they are separated from people (and that’s why what you are doing is so wonderful, in the long run for your son. I worry so much for those Chinese girls that are making even bigger transitions–language, food, smells, etc. at that same age.).
Now, however, there needs to be someway to make it easier for your son (and especially for YOU). Does his birthmother distance herself and act “appropriately”? By that I mean: does SHE insist on being called “mommy”? Does she grasp him up and sob about missing him? If she is needy like this, you need to have a calm discussion with her WITHOUT YOUR SON BEING NEAR. In that discussion, I would suggest that this sort of “hanging on and dragging down” behavior is not helping your son (who you both love) and is unhelpful to HIM and inappropriate at this time. Explain that he needs to feel as if he is not being abandoned and not scared by her neediness (I’ve seen this behavior with my stepgrandson and his birthmother and it has been hell for that boy).
I would make it clear if she is incapable or unable to HELP HIM by being supportive of you and talking to him about his new mommy and how happy he will be there, etc., that you will have to temporarily discontinue the meetings. This could be a couple of months–it depends on her and his next interaction….it is not a matter of whether he cries when she leaves, IT IS A MATTER OF HER HELPING NOT HINDERING.
One thing that she must do RIGHT now is have your son call her by her first name. NOT mommy. You are mommy. Each time he calls her “mommy” she should say, “My name is _____ and I love you. This is your new mommy. Call her mommy and call me _____”
If that’s too hard for her to do, tell her that her inability to help him make this adjustment means that you will have to do it without her, for a while, because it is too difficult for your son at this point. Ask her to call you when she is ready to go by this rule. You are the mommy. And you are obviously a loving and giving person. But you need to make sure that you are BOTH really acting like grown up “mommies” and thinking first about your son.. Good luck. I hope you let me know how it works out!
PS. I wanted to add this PS to preclude some potential misunderstanding about my concerns about this particular birth mother: the situation described by the adoptive mother is a different situation that most open adoptions because the birthmother has had her parental rights terminated by a court. Almost 100% of parents adopting out of the foster care system (not as a newborn) chose to singlemindedly adhere to that judgment and think that a new page has been turned and NEVER allow contact with the birthfamily again. I have only heard of one other situation where an adoptive family has reached out to continue this first relationship after parental rights have been terminated. My words are absolutely NOT “anti-birthmother”; they are to help this poor baby make a scary transition and for him to grow up knowing that not only do both of these women love him but their number one priority is for his security and welfare.
Oh, wow. Thank you all so
Oh, wow. Thank you all so much for answering and thank you too, Dawn! You can have no idea how much it helps to hear everyones different views and perspectives and, most of all, SUPPORT. Thank you.
Suzanne, you really hit the nail on the head in regards to the Bmom. She is very well intentioned, but I think that her grief is causing her to hinder a smooth transition. She does exacerbate the situation by saying (upon our arrival) Mommys Here! and (upon departure) getting very weepy and hugging him 20 times and saying Mommy loves you, etc. It is during these protracted good-byes that he is crying and she will go to the door and then come back again for more goodbyes, etc. I DO NOT think that she is trying to undermine me at all, but rather I believe she is just acting on her emotions. She is quite young.
MamaB2C, I do agree with you that crying is common at this age and that is why I have been so unsure as to whether to do anything. But I dont think choosing another name for me is a good solution. Trust me, I am very good at putting my needs last, but in this case the main reason I chose to adopt is to be Mommy. I want to be mommy and I think he needs me to be.
AdoptAuthor, I love what you said. He HAS to Mommies! That is his reality. And these days its not that odd!. It is easy to forget that it is not THAT big a deal to have two moms. And also what Cindy.pbsm said: If a mom can love two children why is it so hard to believe and a child can love two mommies?’ That is so true and I am going to email that quote to my family.
I think my challenge here is to factor in all these issues and try to decide on the best course of action for me, my son, and the Bmom (she is just so very young (21 and acts much younger), sometimes I feel like I adopted two kids!.
I am slowly coming to the dreaded conclusion that I will have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. It is not just the name issue, but really it is more about her understanding that she and I need to align ourselves to best serve him (the baby). She has to help him make this transition. I have faith that if I can put it to her in a way that makes her feel needed and a part of our little triad, she will (eventually) be ok with it.
I just hate confrontation! Wish me luck. I will definitely be back to this wonderful site.
Much much much luck and let Much much much luck and let us know how it goes, ok?
I just want to mention that
I just want to mention that the quote about ‘if a mom can love two children why is it so hard to believe that a child can love two mommies’ was taken from a blog I saw on ‘birthmom buds’ made by the founder of that same site whos name is Coley.
I’m late but only because I
I’m late but only because I had my settings wrong and my login info was going to my bulk folder…anyway…figured that since I bothered to write the response I might as well leave it!LOL
It’s long so if you are still looking for responses please go to: http://www.bumpyroadtomotherhood.blogspot.com as I deleted the page where I wrote it.
Kudos for trying to make this work for your little one.
My 3 year old son
My 3 year old son calls his birth mom “Momma Hey”. He can’t say her first name, so that’s his variation of it
He doesn’t seem the least bit confused. In fact, for her b-day we went to have pictures done of him and her. The photographer was trying to get a picture of him giving her a kiss on the cheek, and he was busy being 3. The photographer kept telling DS to “give Momma a kiss”. Every time he said it DS looked at him all confused and pointed at me sitting across the room and said “Dat Momma” then pointed at the Momma he was taking pics with and said “Dat Momma Hey”. The photographer was confused, but DS at the tender age of 3 is not. He understands that Momma and Momma Hey are 2 different people, and he understands our roles in his life.
That being said, we also went through a similar situation as you. DS was our foster son for 2 years before we adopted him. There is a very real transition from being the foster mom and supporting reunification to being mom and supporting an open adoption. Never did I refer to myself as Mom with my foster kids, so when it became sure that I was going to be Mom, it took some getting used to. For us, it was right for me to be Momma and her to be Momma + her first name. We also went through the same type of visits for awhile. It became easier after the state was no longer involved though. It wasn’t until then that we were able to start settling into our new roles and do it in the way we needed to.
Best of luck to you and your son.
To me, this child isn’t at
To me, this child isn’t at an age where he can comprehend the grief his birth mother feels when leaving. He is probably crying becuase she is crying and it scares him. My daughter is visibily concerned when other kids cry, now through in the birth mother crying and this is definately not in the best interest of the child to have him be subjected to this every month. I can see the first few times but she needs to be the adult and not do this in front of him if it causes him distress. You don’t say how long she parented for so if it was until recently, I can see how he would be upset.
I’m glad you asked this quesiton though as we adopted our daughter almost two years ago from birth and are still struggling with this issue a bit. So far it is only me who is called mama or mommy. The birthmother had wanted to be called mom but we chose not to do this. We call her by her first name but do refer to her as our daughters birth mother. She chose us to parent her child and chose to give up her rights to parent our daughter. In our minds, it was too confusing for her emotional state to then be called mommy or mama when she was trying to come to terms with giving child up for adoption. She also has some mental issues and we felt it in her best emotional interest and to help facilitate detachment, on a day to day basis only, that this was the best choice.
Our daughter has contact with her birth mother every other month for about 3 hours or so and will know how much she loves her becuase she tells her at each visit and we tell her all the time. We pray for her birth mother and family every night and keep her photo’s around the house and expecially in our daughters room on her wall. There just doesn’t seem to be a need for our daughter to call someone she sees once every two months mommy when to hermommy is the name she calls when she wakes at night, when she’scared, when she is excited, when she is tired, when she needs somthing.
our daughter is old enough to make the decision about what she wishes to call her birth mother, then we will accept whatever she decides. It was not up to us to or her birth mother to have her call her birth mother by such an intimate name right from the beginning though.
We now have birth mother’s second child and this one is not by consent. She parented for a few weeks and calls herself mom. She has that right.
The topic of mommy and confusing our daughter(s) or not confusing them etc. I read the post about children having more than one mom. We realize that many children have a stepmother or other people in their life that they also call mom but in most instances, that is left up to the child to call the other person mom. Not the parents making that decision for them.
What will we do once our daughters sister is adopted by us? We will most likely request the same thing.
We are not trying to invalide our birth mother position. We are only trying to do what is best for our children while also taking into consideration her emotional state and ability to separate what the word mom means from what the actions mean.
Does any of this make sense?
Overall, it all depends on circumstances, the ability of the birth mother to separate herself from the day to day responsibilities of raising a child and facilitating her “letting go” which doesn’t mean to stop loving the child(ren) they gave birth to or being part of their lives but being at a point where it is not like you were talking about, crying about leaving each time they see their child. Calling thier birthmom by the same name as they call you doesn’t seem to be in the best interest of the child in our viewpoint.