When adopting our daughter, her birthmother had been out of her life for 3 1/2 year. It was obvious to all involved that she belonged with us. Our contract states the usual, quarterly visits, pictures, no friends, visits at our home etc. Yet verbally we talked about how it could be whatever we make the contact to be and there was no reason why she couldn’t visit more often that the contract outlined. We explained that the contract was to fall back on, if needed. TWO MONTHS into the new arrangement, our daughters first mother is constantly asking for extra’s; take her to her workplace to show all her friends, come early, stay late, hang out at the mall. Our daughter is only 4 years old. Many of the things her first mother is requesting are the exact things we want to protect her from! I am having difficulty staying positive and declining her requests with grace. Any suggestions?
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Try to see this all from
Try to see this all from your daughters first moms view. Shes super excited to see and know this child. I’m sure she doesn’t realize that shes an inconviencence to you. I am a birthmother myself and I can tell you all I really want is to be seen and treated like a real person. Do to others as you would do to yourself.
Your job is to protect this little girl She is only 4 and it is alot to expect her to understand at that age. I am also a birth mother and my daughter was placed when she was 14 months old, now she is 13 years old. She has a well adjusted life. I didnt have contact at all for 1 year or so for the sake of my daughter bonding with her parents. You wanted there to be NO confusion that this is now your child. There is nothing wrong with you setting boundries and sticking to them. You do what is best for your daughter. It sounds like she the BM could be getting mixed signals.
My adoption was fully open, I could have seen her when ever I wanted. It is not my place to be thier all the time. This is her family, I stepped back to allow my little girl to be a part of that family, and visited her as set out. If you allow her to much now it could get worse later. Kepp it consistant though.
I am not sure if that will help, it is hard to sit down and quickly write this down. Good luck and enjoy her.
Our daughter’s fm also asks for things like bringing the baby to the teen preg group, and for her friends to visit. We are not comfortable with this and we originally stated visits would be for family only. Still fm pushes each time and asks. Now we have been asked to do senior pictures with her—which to us is overstepping, but yet we agreed because we feel such guilt saying no, and worry somehow it will affect our daughter in the future. I would never want to be mean to fm, but everyone has over and over again told me I was chosen as Laura’s mother to do what is best for her, and if saying no is best then that is what I need to do. Easier said than done!!! everyone always responds with “sit down and discuss it with the first mom”, but that is really tough when you are having the discussion with a 16 year old. I would love for some allmighty answer to be shown to me on this topic.
I am an adoptive parent with an open adoption in which both the bmother and her family and the bfather and his family are involved. Yes…it is a lot. Things are going very well with my daughter’s bmother and her family. We have a great relationship, and I actually have encouraged more contact with them because they have kept their distance and have always treated us with respect and kindness. We have had, however, some boundary issues with the bf and his parents (esp. his mother). When I say boundary issues…his parents had at one time decided there were no boundaries and were practically on our doorstep from day one. What the bmother and bf had asked of us from the beginning was this: 1 visit per year and periodic updates thoughout the year. We have done this faithfully for 3 years. His parents, however, have pushed and pushed and pushed and threatened and pushed for more. What we have tried and tried to communicate to the bf is that we need his parents to backoff, give us some room and some time. We do not trust him or his parents right now, and MIGHT eventually…if they stopped being so forceful.
Of course…I don’t know if this is at all helpful…but what we have said again and again (even as recently as a month ago) is this: we want this relationship to work…for the benefit of our daughter. We once again re-stated the original agreement (1 visit and periodic updates). We did NOT state that there would ever be more than that (due to their forceful and pushy nature)…but in the back of our minds…that would be a possibility if 1) our daughter would want more contact; and 2) we find they are more in control of their emotions and can act in manner more conducive to having a healthy relationship with our daughter.(without the hysterics and the veiled threats against my husband and myself)
Re-reading what I wrote…I sound more like a dictator…I’m just protecting my daughter from people who I truly believe are not to be trusted. Until they give us a reason to trust them….the boundaries stay in place. Not to sound insensitive…I know they are hurting. I hate that they are hurting. I pray for them daily that they can move on with their lives and find peace in their hearts. But foremost amongst my priorities are the welfare of my 2 kids. And I feel compelled to do what is best for them before I give in to the demands of this other family.
I would also encourage you
I would also encourage you to look at it from your daughter’s POV. What is their relationship like? Does your daughter want to spend time with her? If you initially said that “there was no reason she couldn’t visit more often than the contract outlined” and if things are going well, I am sure your daughter’s first mother is feeling encouraged and happy to be part of your child’s life.
I’m not sure what you mean by “protect her from.”
I would encourage you to write or talk to her and discuss the original agreement and explain clearly why you would like to stick with that; although it does seem like you opened the door to more when you indicated “no reason she couldn’t visit more.” If you have changed your mind on this it would be good and fair to communicate this.
Who did you write the contract through? Was it an agency or attorney? Maybe they could help you mediate a bit.