We have pictures of my son with his first mother when he was a baby but she has dropped out of our lives in the years since. He is now four and asking where she went an why he doesn’t see her. The problem is I don’t know where she is or why she no longer picks our packets up at the agency. We only saw her twice after our son’s adoption but we did use to talk occasionally on the phone but her phone is disconnected and I have no way to find out where she is now. I don’t know what to tell him about why she isn’t part of our lives anymore.
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well, since this is similar
well, since this is similar to our situation: the kids no longer see their first mom because her current situation is unsafe for such gatherings, when they ask I try to acknowledge their need to talk about her and to give them opportunities to do something proactive while being age appropriate (for instance, my three year old won’t need the same type of reassurance that my eight year old needs.)
Some things I’ve done/said:
1. “She’s very busy with her own life right now. We’ll reconnect when she’s able to”
2. When you’re older, I can help you reconnect with her if you like.”
3. Would you like to color a picture for her or write her a letter to tell her hello? We could send her some of the school work you’ve done or a copy of your report card to show her how hard you work in school. (it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t see those things right now. If it helps, I let them do it. )
4. I send her information about you all the time. Is there something specific you want her to know?
4. Would you like to look at the pictures again (or for those scrap book savvy moms) would you like to look through your adoption scrap book?
5. Would you like to call Noni (first mom’s mother) to see how your first mom is? Perhaps she’s called Noni recently. Or we could plan a get together at Noni’s house. I know you like to see that pretty picture of your first mom that Noni has on the wall.
6. This response is case specific and my oldest is able to digest the information: “you know your first mom has a disability and sometimes that means she doesn’t remember to do things that are important to other people, like call, visit or write. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, it’s just that her disability prevents her from thinking of those things.”
In essence, i evade directly answering those questions because in truth, I do not have a genuine answer but I never want the children to feel like they can’t talk about her. I try to validate their need to know her and feel connected to her, regardless of her physical proximity to their lives. If people can adore and love an unseen God, then surely children can do the same for an unseen first parent.