What would you consider “excessive” when it comes to birthgrandparents sending presents? Last year (the first year), they were sending presents every few weeks. In the beginning…I did not say anything because I knew how difficult they took the adoption. But….eventually….we just didn’t have room for all the stuff we were getting…so I “respectfully” requested that they please limit their gift-giving to her birthday and/or holidays…like Christmas. I got a
really NASTY reply from the bf’s mother, but the presents did stop for a few months. Now…it has started up all over again.
Because of the previous response I got from the bf’s mother…I am very hesitant to contact her again. (I only send e-mails to the bf.) But, at the same time…I am not happy/comfortable dealing with all of these gifts she keeps sending to BOTH my children and having to find space, etc, etc.
If any of you were in the situation (just curious) what would you do? I am tempted to not contact them at all, but then keep a couple of the toys, and give the rest away to a needy family. My husband thinks that would be really bad on my part to give the toys away. I don’t know what to do. I feel torn….and I cringe every time the UPS man stops in front of our house.
Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.
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Well, I don’t think it
Well, I don’t think it matters what I or anyone else thinks is excessive when it comes to sending presents because it’s not the sending presents that’s the issue here. It’s that you asked them not to stop but they continued to send them. The issue is that the two of you are struggling with different expectations and also — at least from this outsider point of view — for some measure of control over the relationship.
I had a similar situation with my son’s grandparents (my bio son so these were his paternal grandparents) and it ended up being a big blow-out where we both came down to this: I wanted to control my mother-in-law’s relationship with my son and she was so crazy in love with Noah that she wanted to shower him with gifts. But it went deeper than that for us both. (And I’m not saying that these are the issues for you guys, just sharing my own story and hoping it can offer insight to the subtext of yours.)
I was crazy in love with my son, too, and I wanted everything to be perfect for him. I wanted him to have the right kind of toys and we struggled with space issues in our small apartment, too. I also felt uncomfortable with EVERY day being a special present day because I wanted present occasions to be unique events. I felt angry and frustrated that my mother-in-law wasn’t supporting my values around presents (reasonable or not). I felt undermined. I felt disrespected. I felt like she wasn’t recognizing that I was his mother.
My mother-in-law, on the other hand, honestly didn’t see why I was so hung up on present events and also felt (this is significant) that she had to shower Noah with gifts so that he would love her as much as she loved him. This wasn’t a conscious thought — it came out in a big knock-down, drag-out, tear-stained argument we had. And (again significant) she was afraid that I would limit her contact with Noah and that she would lose touch and felt like she needed to reach out as hard and as intensely as she could before I took her grandson and closed her out.
Now remember, this wasn’t a birth grandparent — this was a bio grandparent. So it’s been my experience that these kinds of struggles happen in every family but they are exacerbated in adoption. I don’t know what the nasty reply was but I can tell you that the confrontation I had with my mother-in-law was pretty messy, too. Family stuff is. But we finally got somewhere when I stopped telling her what *I* wanted and asked her explicitly what *she* wanted and that’s when she started to cry and said, “I’m afraid you’re going to take Noah and I’ll never see him again.” And man, did that change how I was seeing things.
I think you need to figure out a way for you both to have your needs/values respected but I also think that you may need to give a little bit. (At least I needed to give a little bit.) I couldn’t say how that would look because I don’t really know the details of your situation or who you are and what values are getting crossed.
I can tell you that in our own family when I “gave in” to my mother-in-law, she relaxed and slowed way way down. She still showers the kids with gifts on the holidays and the Easter bunny comes to their house, too, so now I know this and the Easter bunny does a lighter stop here. When I look at it through my kids’ eyes, having a grandparent who adores you is a really precious gift. Maybe it was driving me crazy but my son only knew that there was someone out there loving the heck out of him.
Wow…I can definitely see
Wow…I can definitely see some similiarities in your situation. To give you insight into what we’ve been through with this set of grandparents (the birthfather’s parents)..At the hospital, when our daughter was being born, they began to threaten my husband and me with, basically, “hunting us down” at church, at home, everywhere. And they did find out where we lived and began stalking us. We’re not just talking parking outside our house, they were walking behind our house and peeking into our windows!
When I discovered that they had been “staked out” in front of my son’s elementary school…that was the last straw. We moved out of state…away from all of our friends and people we really loved and cared for.
I have sincerely considered getting a protective order against them. What has kept me from doing so is that I still want to have a relationship with the birthfather. We HAD promised him one visit a year, and periodic updates via e-mail. He also insists his parents are included in the visits (despite our protests due to their behavior towards us). So…in order to keep the peace…I’ve allowed them to send presents and to be at the visits. Like I said, I had sent a really nice letter to “gently” and politely ask that they send gifts for holidays and birthdays only. Obviously…his parents have decided to ignore that request once again.
If the presents, once again, become excessive…I may contact the birthfather. He is away at college and has no idea what his parents are up to. Then again…he is a teenager and I don’t know how much influence he has over his parents,who are very domineering and intimidating personalities.
I’m not sure that this
I’m not sure that this situation is really any different from any other family member doing this. I think it’s fine to give them away if you don’t want to address it headon. LOTS of parents give away gifts they don’t want. Here’s a discussion of this issue on one of my favorite parenting blogs, Ask Moxie: http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2007/11/qa-is-there-any.html
Good Luck!
I am currently going through
I am currently going through an open adoption. To give you a little background my husband and I pretty much tried/never avoided getting married for the 3 years we were married. About two years into our marriage we started going to the doctors to see what was wrong. We eventually found out that I have endometriosis in side my tubes and having a child naturally would have to a miracle sent right from God. Well I found out my cousin had a child and was originally thinking adoption and had decided she wanted to raise Riley. Life had got so overwhelmed for her and she knew she could not give Riley all the basic things in life se thought Riley deserved. Mainly a mommy and a daddy. My cousin had stated she felt that Riley was meant to be with us. What an honor?!?!?!
Ok know here is our problem. We waited so long to have a child and Riley is our child and there is nothing I would do or wouldn’t do to keep her happy, safe, and healthy. We are granting there bp wishes and not planning on telling Riley who the bp are until we feel she can handle it. We do plan on letting Riley know she was adopted at a young age as not to confuse her. The problem we are having is the birth fathers dad does not understand our idea with “open adoption”. He still thinks that Riley should have his alst name. I feel like we are just glorified babysitters who are taking care of her. We have tried to explain to him that we are the nuclear family. He feels that he is still Rileys grandfather. I do not feel that way. For Christmas they sent her a gift and on the inside of the cover it states from them as Grandpa and Grandma with there last names. How do I explain that to my daughter? How do I personally deal with that? I understand our daughter is adopted but at the same time I feel like I have constant reminders and am never able to just relax and be her mommy. Am I overreacting? In my heart I feel as though Riley is ours and I don’t even think of adoption…is this normal? Any moms out there with a little advise and kind words…please don’t be mean to me!:) I would really appreciate it.
On a side note from the time we found out I could not have a child and the time we started planning for Riley is 6 days …from the time we had the surgery to her living in our home was 2 weeks!!!
Thanks!
Well, I think it’s important
Well, I think it’s important to understand that your daughter IS adopted and that it DOES matter. That’s not a value judgment — it’s just true that adoption matters just as much as any other family configuration matters.
I have more to say but have a desk full here so I’ll just add that I really encourage you to get a copy of Micky Duxbury’s book “Making Room in Our Hearts”. It’s a wonderful book about why openness in adoption is a healthy way to be an adoptive family and also explains how to do it so it works. Good luck to you!