Is it ok to ask for visits?

– January 16, 2008Posted in: Community Wisdom

how close can u get with the adopive parents, whats too far? would it be to much to ask to see the child if you write to the parents all the time?

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1. How can I encourage our son's first mom to write him a letter explaining how/why she gave up her child for adoption?

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4 Comments

1. Reply

   Anonymous

   Posted January 17, 2008 at 6:42 AM

   Ask!  Our youngest

   Ask!  Our youngest daughter’s first mom asked for visits when she was six months old.  When we left the hospital I was sad to think I potentially would not see her again, as she wanted semi-open at the time… except to include emailing.

   We love(d) her, and feel she’s a part of the family in many ways.  It was truly (no exaggeration) a joy to begin visiting with her and after the first visit we pursued visits with her before she asked.  Now we both initiate.  I hope it never changes (except to get even more comfortable and as time permits to increase.)  

   Of course the a-parents may not feel as open to it as we did (we already had experience with open adoption and were comfortable with the idea).  Maybe you could start by sending them some information about openness (if this is their first adoption)… you could ask to meet in a neutral setting and slowly build that trust.  But guard your heart in case they say “no”… I’m sure that would be difficult.  As our  eleven-year-olds birth grandmother recently asked for a visit (for the first time, and my son is not interested…  I’m sure it will be hurtful to her.) : (

   I would love to pray for you about this situation.  (But do not know your name.)  

   I will ask the Lord for His best for you all.  He knows who you are!

   Best wishes….

   J

   Of course I can not answer for Lizzybet, how it has been for her… but perhaps she will comment as well…. 
2. Reply

   Anonymous

   Posted January 18, 2008 at 2:02 AM

   I totally agree with you

   I totally agree with you JJandfive on just simply asking. Rejection is always a possibility. But we just have to remember, all relationships are built and grow on trust. Trust takes time, work and patience. Also you cannot force relationships to “be” if the other party does not desire it. What were your child’s parents open to, as far as an open adoption relationship before you relinquished your parental control? Where they open to an open relationship of sorts? That is where you need to begin first. If they only had hopes of keeping the contact to email and non-identifying information from the beginning, then hopefully they made and are making that clear to you. Oh and I totally understand the desire to want to get to know your child and his or her family a little more. It kinda helps close the gap somewhat. For me, it was like… I heard and saw pictures that my daughter was doing well, but it never took away the desire to “hold” her. Plus… I really feel as though I have been blessed beyond my biggest dreams to have the privlage to cultivate a friendship with my daughters mom. She has been a friend to me when I felt as though I had none. Also she always goes over above and beyond to fill me in on how well “Bidgie” is doing. Not just “still” snapshots of her looking straight ahead. but her laughing, dancing, having her first birthday, reading a book… Oh and one time she called me out of the blue and put the phone towards the back of the van where Bidgie was singing in her carseat. Oh mercy and the times we have had together.. The park, the mall, getting pictures taken, dinner, swimming in the lake together, breakfast gingerbread house making together. Oh man, the list goes on and on. I’m sure I am leaving something special out. Point is… I feel forever grateful that JJandfive(thank you J!!!) were willing to take a chance with me and build a relationship with me that now I consider…my reunion with Bidgie at a young age. She will never have to wonder who I am or try to find me. I will always be there from a distance… Thanks to her family. Oh and one more thing although I know I am stealing this post to brag on my “baby mamma”….Having a more open relationship with JJandfive has opened the door to me taking my relationship with God and my other daughter more serious. We(me and JJandfive) have been working for the last 8 weeks on a mother daughter bible study together with our oldest daughters…. Oh my heart is so full of love.

   Anyways… I will be praying for you and your desire to see your child and to cultivate a relationship with his or her parents. I really do understand how you feel…

3. Reply

   Anonymous

   Posted January 18, 2008 at 2:30 PM

   We have a super open

   We have a super open relationship that would not have become that way had our daughter’s first father not told the social worker he wanted a visit. This was 16 years ago before fully open adoptions were around much. We wouldn’t have thought of it otherwise. We agreed to one visit and that visit went so well that we just kept seeing each other.

   Ask, be specific about what you want and be willing to compromise if needed for everyone else’s comfort. After the first visit or two, it’s often easier to figure out how it best works for you and your child’s family.

4. Reply

   Anonymous

   Posted January 18, 2008 at 6:23 PM

   our children’s open adoption

   our children’s open adoption circumstance is unique in that their firstmother is emotionally and mentally impaired, unstable and currently in a very bad relationship that includes abuse.  So at the moment, our contact with her is limited to mail – which I always initiate because although she verbally declares to her mother (the kids’ natural grandmother) that she wants to see the children, because of her poor attention span, past visits have not gone well.

   however, being only 3 miles from the kids’ extended family – cousins, firstmom’s sisters, grandparents, etc., we have regular contact, just as you would with any family.  the kids’ aunts are young adults that are often spending the night at our house, enjoying being aunts. I’ve had the privelege of teaching two of them, actually. Their grandmother calls often and we frequently find ourselves at her house for dinner and amusement.  We have the advantage of knowing and getting to love this family long before the kids were born, which eased the open adoption arrangement and the familial relationship we now enjoy.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s just like any other family relationship: we drive each other nuts at times and at other times, we can have a rip roaring good time.

   I say, ask and ask as often as you think your child(ren) need to see or be with their first families.  I also think it depends on the age of the child and/or their interest in their adoption.  Specifically, my oldest suffers from attachment disorder and anxiety so she only really asks about her first mom about twice a year.  Her understanding of her familial relationships still gets a little blurry for her “mom, i look like YOUR mom, right?”  to which I reply, “no, you like your first mom and HER mother.”  she usually gives me a funny look then.