What do I do when the (birth )mother stops contact – how much contact should I keep on and when does it become hounding? I send updates every 6 – 8 weeks, (directly not via an agency), I leave messages, I send
gifts, cards, for her and her other children – (she placed her middle child at birth for adoption because it was not her boyfriend’s baby). We met with her when we were placed – we agreed on full openness (despite the agency’s misgivings) she knows where we live, we sent her tickets to visit us for a week and she and her daughter stayed with us. I try to make contact every month – I send updates and photos to her mother and grandparents as well . But we never hear back – we used to get sporadic voice mails but now for over 12 months – nothing. My husband says I should not hound them they will reach out when they are ready – but I really don’t want them to disappear from our child’s life.
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I don’t know, but I could I don’t know, but I could have written this question myself- would love any feedback others have to offer…
I also relate to how your desire/ efforts differ from your husband’s at this point.
Cynthia
I’m also in a similar
I’m also in a similar situation with contact. When my husband and I first met the birthparents, we were asked (and we agreed) to “periodic updates” via e-mail. The word “periodic” is obviously not very well defined. The first year, I sent an update after each holiday. We’re in the middle of our second year of adoption, and I’ve pretty much been sending sending an update each quarter. I rarely get a reply from either one of the birthparents…interestingly enough…I usually hear from the bfather rather than the bmother. However, I’m keeping 2 things in mind: 1) that they are both in college (the bmother is an engineering major) and are busy ; and 2) a comment the bmother made to me before our little girl was born…she could not have chosen a closed adoption because she needed reassurance (through continued contact) that her baby was happy and well-cared for and that she had made the right choice.
So…I’m going to continue (unless they ask for more/less contact) at my current pace of once a quarter…plus they each get to see her once a year.
I can’t speak for your
I can’t speak for your child’s birthmother. But I can speak for my own contact efforts. I disappear a lot, but I have that “luxury” (it really isn’t, and that is a poor word to describe it) because the adoption relationship I am in is a semi-closed adoption. The contact was only really requested to go towards us, not necessarily go back in their direction. When we do contact, it is for the purpose of our son’s parents and not for any real direct contact with our son. They are gatekeeping the contact for when he is much older.
Anyway, there is a lot of things I want to tell my son and each time I get started I end up stopping myself. I thought when I first placed I could really explain why we chose adoption, except that with time I’m still trying to understand why I did choose adoption. It’s not that silly young woman reasoning that I once thought it was. So that contact is only with me, not with them.
I thought I would send geneological heritage, but the amount of generations of what I have on my family is a ridiculous amount to copy and I want it adapted to where he is listed correctly. I still have yet to tackle that one, so it’s with me not them.
I have years here and there where I think my family is barely moving forward with good plans and am too embarrassed to say anything. Because really isn’t one of the biggest myths of placing is so that we birthparents can turn our lives around?
And then when I’m ready to say something again, it’s been too long and feel like I have to explain the absence and that prolongs the contact a bit more.
But, that being said… the one thing that I could count on was the unchanging regularly agreed contact from his parents. That letter with pictures shows up twice a year without fail. And that means everything to me.
I suppose my point is, that it’s hard to tell when you have silence on one end. What my son’s parents think weighs on my mind greatly.
Thank you so much for this Thank you so much for this reply, magicpointeshoe-
I have imagined that things are similar for my son’s birth/first mother, and reading your response helps me to see that this is at least a possibility. Though I have made abundantly clear on so many occasions that we want to see her, love to see her, I also want her to know we understand why this might not happen sometimes, or often. She never volunteers that its because visits are hard, but I get that i’m not who she would tell anyway. Any other insight you’re willing to offer on what WOULD feel like too much would be so appreciated. For instance, have you ever gotten an email or phone call on your birthday from them and felt badly afterwards? These are the lines i’m not sure how to walk… even though I want to let her know when we’re thinking of her, I want to be sensitive that she might not always want to hear from us.
Also, I want to say to you that NO one’s life moves in a clear positive direction forward. I think life just has too many up and down plans for all of us. It gave me a pang to hear you say that that might be a reason for not making contact. I can’t speak for your child’s adoptive parents, but the love I have for my son’s other parents is unconditional, just like the love I have for him.
All my best,
Cynthia
My toddler niece was placed
My toddler niece was placed in a closed foster-to-adopt placement 20 years ago. For all sorts of reasons I can’t go into my brother and his then wife did not maintain contact, my mother and I did instead. We sent letters and gifts for all birthdays, Christmases, Easters and other special days (first day of school etc). Every couple of years we received long letters from my niece’s a-mum, later on from her personally. We never received any photos although we *asked*.
When my niece was 18 there was a reunionish meeting between her, a-mum and my mum. My niece had lots and lots of questions and was eager to meet her b-father, but a-mum seemed very unhappy about it. After this one meeting they stopped responding to our gifts, didn’t react to repeated letters, moved w/o forwarding address, and with a lot of sadness and confusion we came to the conclusion to write one last letter in which we try to reassure her that she has all the time and space she might need, we are here if she needs us, and haven’t contacted her since. It’s been several years, and it’s awfully sad that after all this time of staying in touch it seems to have disappeared right when she was grown and had so many unanswered questions …
I sympathise with your agonising about pursuing vs. not pursuing. We were there, too, and at some point we gave in because it felt wrong to keep hounding somebody. It was hard work to convince my mum that we should give her some space, but it feels right for now
Good luck!
Unless someone tells you to
Unless someone tells you to stop doing something and you refuse to do so, you are not hounding them. Although you are not getting any response, that does not necessarily mean that your contact is unwelcome. It probably means that the birth/first mother cannot cope with contact right now – for whatever reason.
Maybe they will reach out when they are ready, maybe not – but it could help to know that you continue to want to include them.
I appreciate this thread
I appreciate this thread very much because I am also struggling with sending updates and never hearing a response from my son’s first parents. Magicpointedshoes, your words are very encouraging. I would also add please don’t wait till you have everything the way you want it to be in your life; no child ever has parents that are completely where they want to be. We all grow up and our parents are better by the time we get to adulthood. My own mother wasn’t living up to her potential until all her kids were grown. Kids still need their parents just as they are right now. I don’t mean to put pressure on you; do it the way you think best. But don’t be down on yourself or harsh in judgement. You are good enough right now!
The thing about contact is,
The thing about contact is, I have absolutely no direct contact with my son. I am placed into a box for when he is of a suitable age, and from what I last heard from his parents, that age will be 21 years old. I am just past the half way point of that time period. I have to wait to see where he is at before I can answer properly.
I just called the
I just called the adoption coordinator at the agency we used for our youngest’s son’s adoption. Our agreement was that we send an annual update each December, and I was curious if the birthmother had received the letter and pictures I sent last year. I was told that no, she hadn’t; the agency very specifically tells birthparents that they have to call and request the update since it’s hard for the agency to contact them AND to give them the option if they don’t want the information for some reason. So now my question is: do I keep sending them if she doesn’t seem to want them? I already sent the update for this year.
This is an issue in my son’s adoption because it is only semi-open: we were chosen by the birthmother, we got medical history and some personal history, we were asked to send an update. And somewhere I remember being told that the birthmother said if our son ever wanted to meet her, he could contact her. The social worker is checking to see if that’s in writing.
My eldest (who is 5) has a fully open adoption; we visit his birthfamily once a year, call and talk every month or so, and send regular pictures, etc. I anticipate there will come a day when my youngest, now 2, will want to know who his birthmother is and why we don’t visit her. So I guess I’d like to have that door open a crack.
I don’t know how much weight
I don’t know how much weight my opinion will carry – I have not placed a child. However, after going through the process and eventually settling on parents to match with, I think you should continue on what you’re doing. Sometimes I felt so overwhelmed with the pregnancy, the stress of the adoption, and all the emotions I was feeling that I didn’t want to communicate to the prospective parents for fear of rejection that I couldn’t respond to their contact for a while. But one of the hardest things for me to do when I wanted to stay in contact was to be the one to reinitiate it – to feel like I had to explain everything that I didn’t even fully understand, and to be scared that everyone had just moved on without me. But the parents I decided to match with, for example, kept thinking of me and would send me emails with updates on their lives, cards at holidays, etc – just little notes. I really appreciated those, and ultimately, every single one opened a door for me to get back in touch. Sometimes I walked through the doors, and sometimes I couldn’t, but they weren’t doors I could have opened on my own.
I find that we are the ones
I find that we are the ones to do most of the contacting especially to arrange visits. We visit every other month and it is always frustrating trying to get a date and time coordinated with birthmom.
It is supposed to be her that contacts us to visit with at least two weeks notice. I find quite often, we discuss when a good time is and then I don’t hear back from her until the day of or day before, which is very frustrating. I used to try contacting her until I got an answer, now I just tell her sorry, we didn’t hear from you so we made other plans. How does such and such a date work for you. Then we show us at that time and day and cross our fingers she is there. So far so good. (we’ve done this three times now)
Quite often the BM’s place their children for adoption due to mental or psycological reasons. Some of their disability may be this lack of responsibility to keep contact, to set dates or commit to things etc.
I would keep doing your part and what you promised, because in the long run, you are doing this for your child. The BM can explain to your (and her) child later on if asked, what her reasons were for not staying in touch regularily.
Good luck with it all and just do what you can.
Jayme
P.S. i know this is an old thread but newbies like me are still reading and looking for answers on this site. so… the above is my bit!
I am a birthmom and
I am a birthmom and sometimes I worry about whether I am contactable enough. I mean I sent them my new address and phone # when I moved. The adoptive parents of my birthchild have not sent any updates since about a year and a half ago. I have had visits, last one just in Feburary. I wonder if the adoptive parents heistate in contacting me for some reason that I am not aware of. I want to know. what is it that adoptive parents expect from first/birth parents? Sometimes for some first/birth parents the pressure to live up to something they may not be is hard on them. You should always keep trying to contact them. I will always keep trying to contact my birthchids adoptive parents. Also the reasons that they don’t respond could be totally unrelated to your relationship. Maybe the computer crashed, maybe the phone broke. Maybe she didn’t get the mail? Maybe she is wondering what is happening with you? Maybe friends are telling her to resist communicating with you? There are so many reasons. Remember that its a long life. If you are meant to know each other well that will happen. Don’t give up.