(this question was posted by a site member)
How can I encourage our son’s first mom to write him a letter explaining how/why she gave up her child for adoption? Prior to our son’s birth, C said she was going to make him a scrapbook about herself and her family so he would have it for the future. I asked her if she would include a letter too. She said she would love to.
Our son is a thriving 4 month old and no letter, no book. C is 16. She is getting back into her life- we have met up twice- I don’t want to hound her. Does anyone have any hints on how to handle the situation. I would love for our son to know about his first mother from her lips.
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This is timely–I’m thinking
This is timely–I’m thinking a similar question myself. I was working on my son’s baby book recently. It’s one
geared toward adoptive families, and I realized that it does a good job
of telling our side of the story, but doesn’t include much of his first
parents’ side (and even then, only from our perspective). I’m planning to ask his first mom if she would write
out her side of the story of his adoption for me to include in the
pocket at the back of the book. I’m going to offer to put it in there
unread, if she prefers.Asking her to write out once and for all why she placed him feels like a pretty daunting and personal thing to ask. Hopefully just asking for her story will give her some flexibility to decide what topics she want to include and how much she wants to disclose
I will say that, at just four months out, things might be a little raw for C. If you’re confident about ongoing contact, you may want to wait to ask about it. But that’s just coming from my limited experience as an a-mom.
I don’t have much advice other than to give it time and be casual by letting her know you’re excited to have it but no pressure. I had planned on parenting my daughter until I was 7 months pregnant, then I decided adoption was best for her. During my pregnancy I’d started a scrapbook for her intending on it being a baby book but once I decided on adoption I made sure to include pictures of my family and our family tree and I wrote letters on my pregnancy, why I chose adoption for her, how I chose her parents, everything that happened during her delivery and hospital stay up until the point of signing the papers. I finished it soon after I left the hospital but was a little reluctant to send it to the adoptive parents. Not because of them or the book, but because that was the last piece of her that I had…and I didn’t want to let it go!! I did end up giving it to them a week or so later but it took me taking a step mentally when I was ready. I can’t speak for anybody else but that was my experience.
Butterfly8373992 — what a lovely gift to give your child!!!
I wanted to add that it’s legitimate if perhaps a first parent wants to keep those things him or herself to share later. I mean, I think it’s wonderful to give to the adoptive parents to hold for the child but I think it’s equally wonderful for the first parent to hold on to it. As long as eventually the kids get the answers to the questions they have…
That type of once and for all explanation letter is HARD to write. And it changes. I wouldn’t’ give it to my daughters’ parents for them to read. I did write it…and rewrote it…and changed it again. I wanted it written “just in case” but I’ve come to realize that as I get farther away from that crisis time, the letter changes. I mean, you can’t change the past…but the way I understand the “me-of-2003″ changes and I can give a fuller picture in writing to answer. Comparing my most recent “explanation incarnation” to the one I wrote just after the birth…the old one has raw emotions and cold facts but the newest one has more insight. Someday, she can see all of them and we’ll talk about it more as she gets older.
It’s only been four months. Honestly, I’d wait about a year, and if she doesn’t do it by then, I’d mention it again. I can’t imagine it’s easy for her to create a scrapbook and write that letter with it all so fresh in mind.
I’m 2 1/2 years into my daughters life, and I’ve come nowhere near being able to write “the letter.”
It’s such a daunting task…..you get this very overwhelming sense that it needs to be “perfect” – all the while knowing that the story has so many “imperfections” that it can seem like an insurmountable task.
Four months into my daughters adoption? I would never have been able to compose it.
And I was 24 at the time.
At 16? I could probably barely write a note to the boy I had a crush on, spent way too much time penning the perfect notes in my best friends yearbooks, and certainly couldn’t have written THE letter to my child that encompasses all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that went into his placement.
Her words in her time, not yours. Sounds like you know who she is, name, how to reach her. Let him ask her himself when he is old enough to do so. She may feel like you are giving her an order to do something for you, something you want and not something she wants (at this time) nor what your shared son wants. As noted, thats an explanation between mother ans son (her and him) not something for you to interject and review and approve and comment on. How will he feel years from now know you might have pressured her to write it? Will he trust what she wrote? Did she due it under duress to be a good little birth mom and just get past the task or did she do it becuase she truly felt it and wanted to?
As others noted, keep the lines of communications open, dont pressure, be respectful to her loss, grieve, adjustments she has to make in her life to manage the loss of her son.
Ask yourself why this is so important to YOU right now (since your son is too young to have asked for it for himself)? Are you hoping it is a final step to close the door to the adoption? That if she writes this piece she will finally go away? You can feel better and move on?
The others are so eloquent, I would have to say follow their lead.
I know that our son’s first mother did write him a letter and at the time I was surprised by it. It seemed so different from her personality that I knew of her at that time. It seemed a little–detached for a better word. Now two years into our relationship I know that she was in crisis and while she desperately wants our son to understand the choices his first parents made, she was also protecting her heart that was breaking. She still really worries about having her feelings written down without a chance to explain to him in person(and she worries about explaining to him as well).
Also, looking back, I think she wrote the letter to give DH and I closure if that makes sense. That it was more for us to understand rather than between her and the Little Dude. I’m not really explaining it well, but I would look at more if you want the letter for yourselves as parents as well.
I had a thought reading over the responses…if you want the explanation for you, you shoudl ask for it, gently. I think wanting to know the basics of the “why” the facts of it if you don’t already know them is fair. You’ll hear your child’s first questions about it and you don’t want to give information that could be wrong so you do need some information. But asking her to tear her heart out writing a letter “to baby” for you to read may not be something she’s willign to do. I thought it would be easy…but it wasn’t. I gave my daughters’ parents facts but I don’t feel it’s their job to support my emotional issues so I don’t share the emotional side of placing with them. The letters that I’ve written have the emotional side and as much insight into the “why” as I can offer. It’s so much more than mere facts, more than the immediate situation. It’s not simple. I’d rather burn those letters than give them to my daughters’ parents. I’m afraid that reading them will change how we interact, that they’ll judge me. Or that having them will make them think they don’t need me in their lives after all. Instead, I’m available to answer any questions the child has and if the worst happens to me, those letters are in my safe deposit box and safe until the child is old enough to read them for herself.
I’ve never written it in one letter. I’ve written it in five and a half years of journal entries and posts. I won’t be forced to write it in one letter, either. Our story continuously evolves. What once was, is no longer and not of my doing. I think that letters of this nature were more of a necessity when open adoption was not an option. Furthermore, if my daughter has a question, she can ask me. I am available, at all times. She doesn’t have to refer to a long, drawn-out, over-though letter. She can catch me on the fly and hear my true, off-the-cuff answer.
THAT’S why open adoption is so important and deserves our hard-fought, day-in-day-out, committed work.
Our son’s birthmom started writing him on his 1st birthday, She said it was ok to read to him even if he did not understand just yet, it also helped me for she was so detached from our son during her Pregnancy with him…and I worried all the time about her emotions and with a single letter on her own time it made all the difference I relaxed more about the OPEN adoption Idea. She also plans on writting him every year on his birthday… we just had our first meeting and it went well… I know it’s hard We do not have the best connection with both sides of my son’s birth families but he has her and thats ok
Be patient. Seriously.
Be patient. Seriously. Our daughter’s first mom is still working on a lifebook with all of her (and first dad’s) extended family. It’s been five years now, but I hear from various people that yes, she is still working on things and intending for it to be finished. But then again, I’m still working on our daughter’s lifebook too, so I know how things can be.
Plus, it’s even harder to write down exactly what happened when it’s only been four months. That’s got to be tough. If she’s visiting now, that’s a tentatively good sign. Just give her some time.
You can be encouraging by
You can be encouraging by letting her know that when she’s ready, you’re more than happy to have such things from her such as a lifebook or a letter for Baby explaining why she placed him.
as a firstmother, at 4 months post-baby, i wasn’t capable of handling anything like this. even almost 10 years later, it would be a struggle. there’s plenty of time to worry about how Baby knows his story. i’d say relax a little right now.