(If you have an answer to this question, please use the comment form below to share it. If you have a question, you can submit it here.)
No related posts.
Is open adoption confusing to the kids?
– July 2, 2007Posted in: Community Wisdom
Our Beliefs
- We honor the connection adoptees have to both of their families.
- We recognize the love and joy as well as the losses and grief of adoption.
- We do not diminish one family in favor of another.
- We are flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances change.
- We set boundaries on the basis of what is best for our children.
- We understand that open adoption looks like different things for different families.
Recent Comments
- Sarah on My friend’s open adoption closed. Is there anything she can do?
- Cindy on My friend’s open adoption closed. Is there anything she can do?
- Cathy on Is it appropriate if my daughter’s first mother refers to her as HER daughter?
- happy momma on My friend’s open adoption closed. Is there anything she can do?
- Shari on How do families handle differences in two adoptions?
Tag cloud
birth mother letters visit adoptive family pictures children updates questions adoptive parent Christmas first mom son birthmother communication birth parents gifts relationships closed adoption birth mom openness birthfather grandmother Before Adopting adopted adoptive parents relationship contact photos birth birthmom birth father advice facebook daughter conflict open adoption visits boundaries siblings grandparents help birth family grief post-adoption
Is Open Adoption Confusing to the kids?
I’m still working through an answer to this question. My Girly (5 1/2) knows most of her story by heart and has internalized a lot of it. That being said, she still occasionally asks lots of questions that kind of floor us. Because she has full openness with her older bio brother and sister, she often gets confused about why they don’t live with us (bro lives with a bio aunt, and sis is an adult who lives on her own and attends college). She also has been working on trying to figure out the ties between them as they differ from the ties with our adopted Baby. She has met Baby’s firstmom, which has seemed to clarify some things, and confused others for her. She once asked if she also came out of Baby’s firstmom’s belly, in spite of the fact that she has seen pictures of her own firstmother, and had visits with her for the first year and a half of her life (that she obviously doesn’t remember anymore). So the confusion with her own firstmother may actually stem from a lack of openness with her mother, while openness with the siblings is actually causing her some confusion. The difference in the openness with her own family as compared to the amount of openness with Baby’s family also seems to be creating some difficulty for her. I’m hoping that the more we talk about it (and the older she gets), the more clarity she can gain.
I’ve done a lot of reading, and I keep running into adult adoptees in other forums who claim that they would not have been “ready” to meet their firstfamilies until they were in their 20′s or older because it would have confused them too much. I can’t really question their own experiences…just observing what they have stated.
One of my sisters-in-law is an adoptee in her mid-50′s, and she staunchly attests that she thinks openness would have been confusing for her…she also opposes our desire to maintain openness for our girls.
I think it’s different for everyone and every kid. The trick seems to be finding the answer that is “right” for each individual child and family. So many things aren’t in our control.
Is open adoption confusing to the kids?
This is from my 15 year old daughter, Mallory who is an adoptee in an open adoption:
“In my personal experience adoption can be confusing, but with an open adoption its a lot easier to understand. I am nearly sixteen, and since the time I was old enough to talk I was told I was adopted. It was well known to me that I was from another womans uterus. I also have a relationship with my birth/first mother, so I know why she chose adoption for me and I know how she feels, and that she still loves me. When I was younger it was harder for me to understand about adoption, but since it has always been normal to me, and not something that made me different from other kids it wasnt a heavily confusing subject in my mind. If I didnt have the openness of my adoption now though, I dont think it would be as easy for me to understand. Being able to talk to my birth/first mother and having adoption be normal in my and my parents eyes it made adoption a ton less confusing. I think if I had a closed adoption it would be harder for me to understand why I was placed for adoption, even if my parents had told me my birth/first parents reasoning. Instead I know it for myself.”
I think it depends upon the I think it depends upon the child, the histories of the birth family and adoptive family, their loss and grief issues as well as the child’s individual personality and reactions to stress.
I used to think there was a one size fits all open adoption for most adoptions. I am now realizing it is much more complicated and individalized than that.
There is also the issue of once open, if things are not going well, how to reduce or temporarily stop contact and still be ethical, etc.
Candy
This is such a good point!
Mallory (and LisaV) thanks for sharing! I think what you said about adoption itself being confusing and the openness helping with the confusion made a lot of sense. I’m going to remember that part!!
One thing I heard from
I talked to a couple of therapists about how adoptees who were raised in closed adoption sometimes are strongly anti-openness. They felt that it’s an unfair issue to put to them. One therapist said it’s a little like trying to imagine what it would be like to grow up in, say, France when you’ve never even visited. And another said that for adoptees who were raised in a closed environment, you’re asking them to be disloyal to their adoptive parents by criticizing their choices. So in the same way that some adoptees don’t search until their adoptive parents die, so some of them aren’t ready to face the idea of openness since it calls their experiences into question. (My best friend is adopted and thinks our open adoption is “weird” but is glad it’s working for us.)
I’m a birthmom, and I have a
I’m a birthmom, and I have a completely open adoption with my 6 1/2 year old daughter… She knows aboutt he adoption, and it hasn’t seemed to confused her. She has two moms (lesbian couple) and then her lifemom, the one who gave birth to her for her mommies…
I think it’s better for Olivia because she knows where she came from, and she also knows she can ask any questions about me or from me, and they will always be answered. In other words, she’ll never have to wonder…
People can hardly comprehend
People can hardly comprehend the fact that I’ve never had a PBJ sandwich (I’m allergic to the P part). It seems such a huge loss to them! But to me, never having had any, it’s not a loss at all. It’s just normal. It’s what I know.
I hope that open adoption normalizes our children’s stories in the way you all describe (above). It’s their story. It’s what they know. I think my comfort level with it (as well as our children’s firstmothers’) is key.
In my experience — and to second what Dawn said — the people most uncomfortable with open adoptions are those in closed adoptions. I blogged about this here.
When I decided to find
When I decided to find parents for my unborn baby, I decided that open adoption was going to be fine because it really wasn’t much different than the way my stepmother raised me in everyday things, and I would visit my biological mother and do fun things. Parents having set roles helps kids know what to expect. It was only confusing when my bio-mom would try to pop in and out of my life. As a birthmother myself now, I know that I have to stay in touch, keep building a relationship, keep letting her know how important and special I think my daughter is so she won’t be confused. And if or when she has questions, our relationship will be ready for them.